


a sense of belonging

by yuyunismist



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Angst, Internal Conflict, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mating Bites, Mating Cycles/In Heat, OR IS IT, OT8, Pack Dynamics, Pack Feels, Polyamory, San no longer in the polyamorous dynamic.... you'll see, Self-Doubt, Size Kink, Slow Burn, Smut, Unrequited Love, not so light angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:55:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29736981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuyunismist/pseuds/yuyunismist
Summary: San thinks he's got his little crush over Yunho all figured it out, until he doesn't anymore.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Choi San/Jeong Yunho/Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang/Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa/Song Mingi, Choi San & Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Jeong Yunho
Comments: 51
Kudos: 88





	1. rose coloured films

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! this is my very first ateez fic (at least, full length, published piece of work). I'm a little bit nervous to be honest. I'm aware I am not the best writer out there, but it was really fun to do and I promise to get better in the future! I have some ideas for the next chapters, I hope this first chapter will rise your interest. I'm sorry for the mistakes or unnatural sentences? English is not my first language but I am trying my best to correct my errors when I see them. Do not hesitate to give me feedback! I'm all ears! You may find me on twitter, same username, if you're interested.
> 
> Also... sorry for the angst; i did not intend to include that much but... well it's here enjoy!

San isn’t a jealous person by any means. Sure, each member has their moment when they crave attention or intimacy for a member in particular–which is a pretty common occurrence in exclusive idols’ pack, but calling it jealousy would be a bit of a stretch. San wouldn’t even call himself possessive either. He can be needy, and excessively moody (he’s a _cancer,_ what did people expect?) but he loves his pack members equally and craves for their touch all the same.

San isn’t a jealous person.

But he cannot deny the ugly twist in his stomach, Wooyoung’s grabby hands do not so subtly slide down Yunho’s torso. From where he’s sitting across the practice room, San cannot hear what the two are so openly laughing about. He can only hear the sound of rubbing clothes–more precisely, Yunho’s zipper knocking against Wooyoung’s rings and it’s. Pissing. Him. Off.

San isn’t a jealous person. He's just sensitive to noises.

Wooyoung must have said something funny again, because Yunho’s big alpha laugh resonates against the walls and his big alpha teeth are all on display.

San swears Wooyoung had to be a fox in his past life–his high-pitched laugh is even a proof of that, _come on._

And just like the evil fox that he is, Wooyoung turns at this exact moment to catch the omega’s sour expression.

A second passes, then another one, where San is unsure what to do (smile, shrug, ignore, pretend to be watching someone else?), which leaves enough hesitation for Wooyoung’s unreadable stare to turn into a knowing grin that San knows way too well–Wooyoung always smiles like that before he does or says something that leads to troubles, and more often than not, to Hongjoong’s constant nagging.

The beta tightens his hold onto Yunho’s jacket and San wants to fucking punch him.

So... _maybe_ san _is_ fucking jealous.

This isn’t even about him feeling needy. Wooyoung isn’t just being a bitch.

He’s being a bitch that is touching Yunho–and Yunho is, well, San can’t really explain it, but Yunho is different.

Yunho isn’t San’s alpha. well, he isn’t San’s only alpha. Ateez is made of five capable alphas, who are all San’s, technically speaking; they _are_ a pack, after all. There is something about yunho, though, that pushes san into this ugly spiral of thoughts an omega in a fully committed, polyamorous pack shouldn’t be having.

Yunho isn’t San’s alpha. But when one of the member’s touch lingers on the alpha's shoulder, san’s needy omega cannot help but think that he should be.

Yunho should be san’s alpha, and only his.

Wooyoung knows exactly what he’s doing. The members always tease him about his tendency to follow Yunho around like a lost baby duck. They always blame it on the all roommate thing, since the day the alpha had officially been proclaimed as San’s personal cuddle buddy.

So _yes,_ maybe San is a little bit jealous.

San is also fucking screwed. On so many levels.

If hongjoong knew about his thoughts–no, even _worse_ –if seonghwa knew what their youngest omega was constantly thinking about… San would be fucking dead.

So San doesn’t say nor do anything about it. He’s fine, it’s a _fling_ , it’s simply because he has seen Yunho rehearse his drama scenes in their shared bedroom and San, like anyone else with a heart, fell for the second lead character. That's right. San is simply swooning over Yunho's fictional character, through him. Whatever his character's name may be.

It’s undoubtedly temporary. In the spring of the moment. _It’s gonna go away._

San simply needs to keep it together until then.

Then yunho’s smiling like the big (his big dumb slutty omega brain loves to put the emphasis on _big_ ) puppy he is, turning his head towards him, curious to see what’s Wooyoung been staring at.

San’s heart jumps in his chest, the omega’s lavender scent slowly filling up the room.

San is fucking screwed.

Yunho's waving at him, telling him to join them since San seems to be done with his stretches. San opens his mouth dumbly, sliding his sweaty fingers on his sweatpants, but the door of the room loudly slams open before he manages to get a sound out.

“Let's get this started children,” Hongjoong walks in, laptop underneath his arm and mask falling off his chin. “Sorry the chat with the manager overlapped a little.”

San stands up quickly, purposefully avoiding the corner where Wooyoung and Yunho are located. Seonghwa fiddles with the phone plugged to the speakers, probably adjusting the volume.

“Jongho, Yeosang, get your asses over there, we got a comeback to prepare.” Wooyoung prompts loudly.

The youngest alpha scoffs at the beta, but does not provide an answer as he takes his place. Yeosang, true to himself, does not even spare his best friend a glance before he gets into position in the circle.

“You too, san,” Seonghwa provides as he claps his back affectionately. “You been spacing out a lot today, you good?”

San nods eagerly. “Yes, all good.”

San may be jealous, but he's a professional. His fans call him stage genius and that applies to any stage, whether it is a live performance or a mundane dance rehearsal. Like hongjoong said, they have a comeback around the corner, and their first survival reality show is starting in a few weeks. Which is perfect. San will soon be too busy with a packed schedule to be overthinking about his relationship with one of his pack members.

The group, minus Mingi, are standing still while Hongjoong is sitting in the centre, muscles ready to be pushed to their limits. The melody starts, and San lets the song take over his body like he always does, and finally manages to forget about Jeong Yunho.

It's a short yet welcomed blessing.

San loves sex. A lot. At least, in a very healthy amount for a grown up man. San isn’t the most sex-driven member but he really, really enjoys sex; with each members, all dynamics combined, as group, a duo or by himself, with toys of all sizes or without. San’s an omega with a very active and satisfying sex life. He knows he’s hot, he knows he can be seductive when he wants to. San also knows that he’s good at giving pleasure.

So, in simple words, san loves sex. Especially sex with yunho.

Yunho’s an alpha, and evidently, sex is a very… pleasurable activity, with an alpha. San’s an omega, an omega who loves to take a knot (he’s very much aware that some omegas are not necessarily attracted to knots, which san respects, but that also just _isn’t him)._

Yunho simply happens to have an enormous, extremely fulfilling knot.

Or, as Wooyoung liked to say it, a gigantic monster of a knot.

The beta isn’t wrong, per say, but San prefers not to reuse those words. Not in front of an audience.

San loves sex with Yunho–the man is responds to his every needs on instinct, sometimes words are not needed for Yunho to understand how San wants it. Yunho is all tender touches and soft praises, and he can also be the worse tease of the group; commands mean and degrading behind the sweetest smile, alternating between fucking fast and agonisingly slow.

San loves all of it, Yunho’s a good partner in bed–and this is precisely when the omega first notices a shift.

San remembers the first sign he had ignored, the very first red flag that should have been the only one. Back then, San had been impaled on Yunho’s inflated dick so who could blame him for not noticing it straight away? Right, _no one_. Because the polite thing to do was to jump on that man’s knot and suck it dry.

Still, he should have known better back then.

Back against the mattress, thighs on yunho’s broad shoulders and toes curled until it reached numbness, San couldn’t think straight. His next heat hadn’t even been scheduled for another two months, but he was feeling so _so_ hot. Yunho’s chocolaty aroma was choking him up, mixing with the flowery scent of lavender and violet from the omega. Yunho had stopped his poundings to tease, and San had been forced to use the strength in his arms to support his body and fuck himself. He was exhausted, vision clouded with fat tears and _god why was so damn hot in here._

“That’s right baby,” Yunho growled, solid hands holding onto his bruised thighs.

“Alpha-ah! A-a-alpha, please,” San yelped, the loud sound of Yunho’s balls slapping against his ass so lewd in his ears. Each noise was so obscene and San loved it.

“Hm? like that?” Yunho gave a sharp thrust at each word, “Look at you Sannie, you ain’t even in heat and you acting like such a whore.”

San moaned, hands clenching and unclenching in the air, “For you, for you!” he uttered out, vision fading.

Yunho’s next words had set him on fire, and not a pleasurable one.

“Should I call the others? Looks like one fuck won’t be enough for my Sannie ugh? We’ve been at it for hours and you can’t get enough. Should I tell Jongho to pin

you down and shut you up? Or maybe I should treat myself to a real meal and get Yeosang in here, me and our two pretty omegas, ugh? What do you say sannie?”

_There it had been._ The first sign. San had been unsure, at that time. He didn’t think it through; could have been exhaustion, the emotions, anything really–him crying during sex was something the others were accustomed to. That day, it had been so much than crying.

He had started mewling like an injured animal and panicking, hands shaking and making grabby gestures for the alpha.

Yunho had been surprised, to say the least. He had pulled him up in his tight, calming embrace San loved so much, rocking him back and forth until the scent of pure distress had sub toned.

San concluded that he had been scared that it would take too much time for him to come, if they had to wait for the others to arrive.

Today though, he knows this is far from the truth. San had been scared. Terrified of someone else touching him, but more importantly, of yunho touching another omega.

The thought was terrifying. The fact that San was even capable of producing such thoughts was even more terrifying.

“Shush, okay, okay, I won’t call anyone,” Yunho had promised. “Sorry baby, it’ll be just you and me today, alright?”

San had nodded, desperate and scared and so dizzy he must have blacked out the moment Yunho made him come.

The second time they had sex after that, it had been just Yunho and San again; the two of them alone in dorms, the other members nowhere to be seen. San had jumped on his alpha once more, and unlike the previous time, Yunho didn’t have to say anything before San had started bawling again.

He had cried and hiccupped each time yunho would stop touching him. He needed the alpha’s skin to cover his, he needed to feel _whole_.

Boy must that have been exhausting to handle. San knows he can be a lot. To say he had felt the need to apologize a thousand times would be an understatement.

“Must be stress,” Yunho had shrugged, “It’s fine, we deal with anxiety as best as we can… and I don’t mind taking care of you. You’re pack, Sannie, don’t go hurt your pretty head over it.”

San hadn't even considered pressing the matter because Yunho had called him _pretty_ and it was like the sun had shone upon his worries.

There had been numerous flags since then, although the wave of overtaking his body when Yunho had said those words should have been _the one_ –the most concerning one. San had kissed Yunho so brutally he made the other bleed.

To be honest, San isn’t very proud of himself for missing all of the signs. He isn’t certain of their meaning yet, but that can’t be good. Not when he’s so aware of the man’s presence.

Not when the exclusive part of the contract is involving less and less people.

San loves sex very much and he hasn’t had sex with any other member besides Yunho and it’s been almost _a whole freaking month_. But that’s not the problem, no. The problem is that he doesn’t even _want_ to have sex with anyone else but Yunho. He doesn’t want Yunho to have sex with anyone else either.

San isn’t the brightest boy and as a gay male omega, he isn’t sure of how maths work, but that certainly didn’t add up to a positive result.

This is a huge problem.

San noticed it weeks too late and had only become alerted by his own behaviour after he felt like crying when Yunho had kissed Seonghwa during dinner. The shock, the unexpected, and the ugly, nasty feeling of anger wasn’t normal and had really freaked him out.

San can somehow pinpoint the day he realized that wasn’t just the build-up of an emotional overload due to stress. What he fails to pinpoint is how it all began. What led to such extreme emotions. 

He doesn’t get it. It’s like there are days of blackouts, and he simply wakes up one day with the urge to mate Yunho.

There was no way San could ever mention this to the group. This was a life or death matter. Dozens of groups have disbanded for less damaging pack conflict than that.

No, San’s a big boy, he can handle this. He can fix it. Since he put himself into this mess, he’s gonna have to be the one to put himself out of it too.

Adulthood and all that crap.

To eradicate a problem, one must cut its roots. San's sure he read it somewhere and it sounds pretty legit, so that's what he’s doing. San’s the type to run away and deny there is a problem in the first place, but, well... since he popped a boner during their variety show lupin's salary, right after Yunho's put his arm around his waist... it has become harder to deny the _"yunho problem_ ", as he liked to call it. Thank _god_ they were wearing hanbok during this episode for him to hide the small tent in his pants. San had to suffer from blue balls for hours and he wasn't sure he could handle any more of that on the long run.

So. It is time to address the elephant in the room. To understand his sudden focus on the alpha, the logical thing to do was to know when it started, right?

San silently nods in his head. _right_. It can't be that sudden, feelings do _not_ just appear one day.

The list on the open notes is fairly short, close to non-existent.

So apparently it's off to a bad start. Right... _think sannie, think!_ Beginning... the beginning of Ateez, their debut? Pre-debut?

He had not been obsessed with Yunho since then. He would have noticed by now.

He swears he wasn't always like that. So how _did it begin?_

KG's policy about pack bond is fairly strict but clear–the decision to be an exclusive or non-exclusive pack can only be taken once all members are of legal age, and only then. It is solemnly forbidden to develop a bond before that. The decision must, first and foremost, be run up with the ceo. Then again, this might apply to every single agency out there, but this isn't like San would know about it.

KG was his first choice, and he never really cared deeply enough to check with the other members.

Back in his trainees days, San never focused on one member more than the others. And if it had to be someone from back then, he should have been Wooyoung or Seonghwa, with how much time he used to spend clinging to them.

San remembers it well; they presented one by one, nothing out of the ordinary, and waited a week after Jongho's first rut to have _the talk._

They agreed rather quickly on the future nature of the pack. It would be an exclusive relationship. Members could either ask for every member to be present during their cycle, or ask for specific members according to their moods–if the members' availability allowed it, evidently.

There was only one rule installed though, or rather, _two_ rules; no scent gland biting, and omegas had to have at least one alpha if their heat ended up near an important schedule. They didn't have any prejudices towards omega/omega or omega/beta dynamics, but alpha did make an omega's heat relatively shorter. A win-win situation.

The system worked. They never had any incident–to be fairly honest, Jongho's presenting as an alpha had been a tad difficult to handle, but they got through it. They should have expected the young man's personality to be extremely rough during his cycle; but san loved manhandling in the bedroom, so there wasn’t really an issue there. Hongjoong was a good pack leader anyway, and the other alphas listened to him well, even during moments such as ruts.

Truly, the system worked. Or should he say, works?

Yes, it really works. San's always been happy with their arrangements. He loves all of his members dearly.

So how did it begin? where exactly? Not pre-debut. Impossible.

San adds a red cross next to "debut".

Next theory… What is the sleeping arrangement?

Yunho has been his roommate for quite a while now, and everything is perfect. Sure, the alpha forgets to turn off the lights every now and then, but besides that, Yunho’s very easy to live with. San knows he could be clingy, but this never seems to be an issue. Yunho's arms are always wide open when san asks, and... maybe this was how things started to shift.

Was that it? Because yunho never rejected his cuddle request? Can't be. Every member would be enthusiastic for a cuddle pile. Even Jongho, which _is a worth-mentioning fact._

San honestly couldn't tell when it all began. It must've been recent, though, otherwise he would have noticed it much sooner, wouldn't he?

So here he is, hours later, sitting on his bunk bed, his teddy plushie squished between his arms. Yunho's gone to the bathroom, the members taking a shower one by one. San's waiting for his turn.

The material of the teddy bear is soft underneath his fingertips, and San wants nothing but to rub his face against it. It's soft and it smells good ( _melting dark chocolate,_ a dark part of his mind provides, but San quickly shuts it down).

San squints his eyes at kuma, like the bear understands him. Maybe it started with _him._

San types the name "kuma" on his note, followed by a question mark.

“No, no way,” He shakes his head.

He stares, and kuma stares right back. “I mean... That's a nice gift...”

San hates being sappy, but he'll always remember that day; Yunho entering the room, large bad behind his back, his cheeks puffed in a large smile. His smile was so big it was hard to keep his eyes open, and San was already eyeing the hidden item with curiosity. This wasn’t the first time one of the members offered him a gift. This was the first time, tough, that he had received a gift like that; a plushie. Perhaps it was because, as his roommates, Yunho knew the importance of his dolls for San's sleeping habits. He wasn't sure what it was, but when he had asked the alpha, he had simply answered that _"i was drawn to it, like it would fit right in your bed."_ and it did.

It really did.

Maybe the key to San's heart was that simple. San’s nothing but a simple omega.

_Do alphas like a simple omega?_

San presses on the plushie's cheeks and the omega squeaks. "Are you mocking me?" He prompts. “Why aren't you saying anything?”

“Maybe because it can't speak.”

San screeches loudly, hitting his head against the hard wall. “Jesus yunho what the fuck!”

Yunho stands at the entrance of the bedroom, dressed in a comfortable hoodie and sweatpants, hair wet and messy. The alpha raises an eyebrow at the omega's behaviour.

San gulps and tries his best not to flush–did, did Yunho hear anything? Did he think he was going crazy? _Did he–_

“You alright there?” The alpha asks. “You good to take a shower or did you hit your head too hard?”

San rubs his palm against his skull, wincing.

Yunho chuckles, walking to his bed and throwing the towel on the mattress. “Or maybe i'm interrupting an important conversation with kuma?”

“No!” San screams.

The alpha blinks. “Huh?”

“No, I mean yes, I'm good! All good, it's perfectly fine; I gotta go before Wooyoung tries and steals my spot! Haha!”

If Yunho thinks he's being weird, then he does not let it show. _He's a real actor now,_ San mentally reminds himself. The omega does not waste a second to gather his pyjamas and rush to the bathroom.

When he locks the door, it's like something in his brain simultaneously clicks.

Could it really be the actor thing? Is san falling for Yunho's character, and not Yunho?

The hot water hits his back and San moves on automatic mode. Shampoo, scrub, rinse, scrub and so on.

It's a nice theory. it's a plausible theory, even. Yunho's role in imitation is the classic second lead role, always there for the main girl and kind-hearted. He's naturally playing an alpha. A reliable alpha.

San is simply immersed as a dedicated viewer.

He dries his hair, applies a night cream on his face and brushes his teeth.

Sure he's also often dreaming about Yunho's big, large hands on his waist. He may or may not have developed a praising kink after the alpha had shown appreciation for his thin waist, and San is nothing but a dumb omega–oh my _god,_ he truly is that simple. He's been watching his weight to ensure he maintains his silhouette because Yunho seems to like it _a lot–_

San stops his movements, his toothbrush falling out of his mouth, processing the image he just created.

It takes longer than necessary to catch up with his own thoughts.

“So, not the second lead syndrome.” The omega groans. San swears he normally isn’t that dumb.

Back to square one.

“San! Are you falling asleep in there?” Wooyoung's already banging on the door before he gets to reply, “Did you lock yourself? Are you jerking off? You could have asked for my help!”

San unlocks the door, an apparent frown on his face. It doesn’t match Wooyoung’s sultry expression. “I was _not_ jerking off. Haven't you heard of a concept called privacy?”

“You? Privacy?” The beta scoffs. “Right, out of my way pinkie, we don't have much time before Hwa gets sick of waiting and starts without us!”

“Starts?” San tilts his head in confusion. “Starts what?”

Wooyoung pushes San out of the way, already taking off the large shirt he wore during practice. “Movie night, you forgot?” in one quick move, the beta's pants are off too.

Shit.

“Of course not,” he protests, eyes on his bare feet.

San had completely forgotten about that.

For san's defence, he's had a lot on his plates lately, and details like that tended to slip out of his mind. San always loved movie nights–especially now these were becoming rarer and rarer due to tightness of their schedule. Movie night meant cuddles, and casual touches, and neck touches, and maybe Yunho's hands _hands hands hands hands–_

“Sure you don't need to jerk off?” Wooyoung said, sounding suddenly way too serious.

“Why is dicks the only thing you think about?”

Wow, that was a close on. It was like he was entering a trance for a second.

Wooyoung eyes him like San just told him the worst joke. “Sannie, your eyes are so dilated it looks like you were sniffing something.” He laughs at the silliness of the scenario. “Please don't tell me you're taking drugs.”

“I am not on drugs woo! I'm just, you know, thrilled for movie night.”

“For movie night, or for who you're spending it with?”

San isn't sure he likes that tone. With Wooyoung there’s a thin line between teasing and accusing, which is often blurry. There are days like this one where San can't see the demarcation.

“What's that supposed to mean?” San prompts. “Is somebody else coming?”

Everything is so stupid in the first place. Wooyoung is still standing naked, in all his glory, and this talk does not even make sense. It’s like talking to a wall.

“Why does it feel like the pink dye is making you dumber than usual?”

Then he's back to his goofy self. It's giving San serious whiplash.

“Do you want me to slap you?”

“I don’t mind a good slap, you know me,” Wooyoung's lips quirk up, hands on the door to close it. “Sure you will be able to remember your way to the living room?”

“Go take your damn shower you stinky fox.”

“Whatever you say, Sannie.” Wooyoung singsongs as he closes the door softly.

_What the hell was that?_

San knows better than to question the beta’s shenanigans at this point. It is useless to find meaning in Wooyoung’s doings when he starts teasing, the boy’s mostly all barks and no bites.

But San has to admit that the possibility of Wooyoung seeing right through his game does send shivers up down his spine. 

The omega shrugs. It doesn’t do him right to dwell on such things. San is a freaking performer and debuting actor! He _totally_ got this.

He waddles his way over to the living room from where he can already see Yeosang's beautiful barbie blonde hair sticking out of the sofa. 

Since they moved to their new apartment they collectively agreed to swap their old couch for a newer, larger but notably more comfortable one and San couldn’t be happier about that.

Jongho can be seen from the open kitchen, protein shaker in his hands. Seonghwa and Hongjoong were both on each end of the couch, Yeosang in between.

On his left, Yunho’s alone in the armchair and munching on dried sweet potato chips. 

Quick maths–two more available sits on the couch or a rather unlimited amount on the floor. San’s fast to react and makes a bee-line for the young alpha. Jongho snorts from where he stands but Yunho hardly makes a sound as the omega sets all his weight on his lap. 

Yunho’s arms instinctively circle his belly, like they always have. San sighs in pleasure, muscles relaxing all at once. He lets his body sink against the hard chest behind him. There’s a distinct rumbling in his throat, the omega inside him begging to purr for his alpha.

“Please tone it down with the pheromones over here. And no leaking. Do you know how hard it is to get rid of leak stains on suede?” 

Yunho laughs. “Don’t worry hyung, we won’t.” 

“Yeah,” san gulps. “No touching!”

Seonghwa stares. Hard.

“I mean, down there.” San prompts.

“Of course you did.”

“Leave him alone Hwa, Sannie’s just asking for his daily dose of yuyu snuggle!”

Yunho tightens his hold on the omega’s waist before releasing his hold a little. His arms move lower, fingers sinking not even an inch down the pyjamas bottoms. San’s breath hitches. He’s convinced Yunho’s trying to annoy seonghwa and daring him to stop whatever is happening, but instead his large hands settle on his hip-bones, not going any further.

San releases the breath he has been holding hostage. Thank _god._

“Whatever, as long as you keep it clean, or practice is going to bite you in the ass tomorrow!”

“Hong, I love you hyung,” Yeosang whines, “But no work talk during movie night! That’s the rule!”

“It’s not work,” Hongjoong counters. “It’s… well, casual conversation.”

“Hyung.”

“Fine!” The pack alpha concedes. 

San’s barely listening to the conversation anymore : Yunho dips two fingers, applying a little pressure on the prominent bones. San releases another sigh, louder than the previous one when the movements turn into circles. 

That’s not good. San can’t have a hard-on in the middle of movie night and in the presence of the entire group–scratch that, San can and already has done that, but right now he simply doesn’t want to.

He whines softly at his own action, it is by strong power of will that he forces Yunho’s hands away from under his pants and holds onto them, fingers intertwined. 

San can’t see Yunho’s expression in this position but the alpha probably did not expect that, yet he does not say anything and goes along with whatever San asks for. Their joined hands are now settled on his belly, and San is so overjoyed he wants to die. Everything’s so cosy and warm. Yunho’s so warm and San hates the cold. 

San’s so relaxed and safe and sleepy he doesn’t even notice Seonghwa’s exasperated glare. 

“Fine,” Hongjoong repeats. “No more work talk! But i’ll only remind you we’ll increase the practice of our performance for kingdom. Hear me san? That means you! You’ve got a lift again!”

“Hmm hmm.”

“San.”

“Hm?” San blinks dumbly, raising his head.

Hongjoong dismisses the omega with his hand and glimpses at the oldest for support. “Never mind… just keep it in mind; no sex until one in the morning until the comeback showcase!”

“Did someone mention sex?” Wooyoung’s voice pipes in from the hallway. Jongho is out of the way in the next second, finally able to take a well-deserved shower. 

“Rather the lack of it,” Yeosang replies. The beta takes a seat next to him. San can’t decide if the speed at which Wooyoung can latch onto someone’s limbs is impressive or comical. His arms and legs are already holding a tight grip on the smaller body, nose all up Yeosang’s face.

“You’re so cuddly lately.” Yeosang mumbles, face squished against the fabric of Wooyoung’s shirt.

“I’m always cuddly! I’m mister cuddle!”

“I believe this is my title.” San makes the devastating mistake of turning his head to face Yunho, who’s smirking like a motherfucking devil prince and _oh._

San _feels_ it.

The hula hoops in his stomach–or was it butterflies?

Fuck, Yunho is _really_ handsome when he smiles. 

“My cuddles are sooo better than yours!” 

“Your confidence is oddly big for such a small body.” Yunho flashes a stellar smile san _knows_ he got from the fictional character he’s playing.

Wooyoung makes an outraged sound. “me, small?”

Jongho chooses to come back at this instant, always the fastest in the bathroom. “Ah, we still on the sex talk?”

Hongjoong shrugs. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Yes.”

“No!” Wooyoung turns his head to Seonghwa. “Why are you even saying that!”

The oldest alpha offers a shark-like smile, all teeth and malice, “my bad.”

Jongho takes the remaining seat on Hongjoong’s right, stretching his legs. “Are we starting the movie or nah?”

“Yes, please,” San begs. “Let’s just stop talking about that.”

Seems like it isn’t the right thing to say as Wooyoung’s attention is now back on the young omega, a mischievous and vile grin. “Why? Getting all bothered?”

“No”, _yes_ , “Now stop talking you’re giving me a headache.”

The night starts slow like it always does. Once the pile of snacks is rationed enough to satisfy the group’s appetite, the youngest is in charge of turning off the lights of the living room, settling a rather comfortable atmosphere.

Now that they are plunged in the dark, set aside from the light of the tv, San feels a bit less ashamed to let his body sink further down the armchair and by doing so, further down Yunho. He rests his head a bit lower on the alpha’s chest, setting his legs on top of the other’s. The cushions are piled up on his knees, enough to give the illusion of a fort and for the omega to have something to hug.

It is _not_ to hide any unwelcome boner– _thank you very much._

San’s aching body is cocooned in the tenderness of the wool, although the material is no match to Yunho’s sturdy and solid hold on him. The uplifting music of the movie reaches his ears, his chest rising at the rhythm of Yunho’s breathing and San feels so secured and unreachable, like nothing can break past his shield.

He’s already dozing off. He won’t be able to see the end of the movie at this rate. Everything is so warm and soothing.

It is during moments like this one, where his guard's so low, that it is easy to forget all that is wrong in his life. It becomes so easy to believe this feeling is enough to erase the crime san believes to have committed.

For the first time in days, San feels at peace and not out of place. He doesn’t want to ruin this moment with unnecessary questions. Perhaps he should’ve been more responsible but then again, there are a tons of things San should’ve done and said.

San could relax for one night _._

The following days are a blur. Each day is a mere copy of the previous one. They switched performance every two hours, trying to pack as much practice as possible with the little time they are given. It’s easy to settle into this routine; ateez comeback, kingdom stage, rain’s cover for immortal song, ateez comeback and it plays on repeat again and again, from the morning to late in the afternoon. They work on individual practice in the evening, whether this be recording, vocal lessons or gym sessions.

It’s a busy week and San is too absorbed by his schedule he’s barely had any time to think about Yunho.

Well, that’s not entirely true, the alpha remains in the deepest corner of his dreams, filled with deep blue ocean and hot sand–but it is true he has not been overthinking and stressing over him these days. Which is definitely a good sign that the omega isn’t going crazy. There isn’t any new bullet point in his list, there hasn’t been any new sprout of jealousy in sight. All is good.

_I so have this under control,_ San thinks, _it was probably not worth worrying about anyway!_

All is good.

Turns out all is not good.

San is once again reminded of the fact that the universe hates his flat ass and that nothing will ever end up the way he wants them to.

For his defence, San is trying though. Really hard, may he add. Fate is just not playing fair.

San settles against the wall and gulps down half of his water bottle, trying to drown the unhealthy amount of images of Yunho with a fake lip ring. They held their jacket photoshoot the day before and San has been tortured by his filthy mind ever since.

It’s only been a day and San is _over it_.

Yunho’s usually so sweet and humble–truly, throw the alpha a compliment and he loses three inches, crouching on himself. Yesterday however, _oh dear lord yesterday_ , the accessory had given him an extra touch of confidence. Or maybe it was because the members kept praising him and mentioning how good he looked. Either way, it was safe to say this was the closest thing to an heart attack than San has ever experienced. Yunho was flaunting all day, tongue running over the metal accessory All. Freaking. Day.

San insists on All Day. A very, extremely long day.

“This choreo is killing me.” Wooyoung says, stretched on the floor in a star position. “If I do it one more time I might really die.”

San silently agrees, mouth too heavy to speak.

“I think this may be our hardest so far,” Yunho adds. “Wonderland is still high in the list though. I can’t wait to actually perform this in front of our atinys,” he continues. The way the alpha says those words with the softest voice makes it very hard for San not to kiss him like a starved man.

“Definitely tougher!” Hongjoong agrees. “My legs are shaking.”

“How about we get some meat for dinner?”

“Don’t count me in for dinner, by the way; I’ll be in the studio for a bit longer.”

San has tuned out of the conversation, eyes unwillingly set on Yunho’s silhouette. It’s pure instinct.

Yunho must have some kind of sixth sense because the second his glance turns into a stare, the alpha stares right back. Now San is not easily flustered–he’s the master at seduction and San does not do gay panic, he provokes gay panic. His fans would agree on that.

Yunho’s making his way towards him and San might be panicking.

He seats down right next to him, so close their thighs and shoulders are touching. “See something you like?”

San waits a second to compose himself, brain cells whirring to come up with the best answer. Preferably something that does not involve cock.

“Definitely, Jongho in those pants is a treat for the eyes.”

“I’d believe you if you weren’t staring at me all night.”

San fakes a gasp. “Me? Staring?” _Be cool San, be cool._

Yunho raises an eyebrow.

“I stare at everyone.”

“Sure. Horny again?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” San says. “Like I’m often horny.”

Yunho raises his eyebrow higher, words unnecessary.

“ … I’m not.”

“Wanna do it?”

San gulps. “I’m good.”

This time, Yunho almost looks apologetic. San isn’t sure if this is something he said or something on his face he has failed to control, but the alpha’s pheromones are all up his nostrils. San recognizes the scent of an alpha’s attempts at comfort. “For real, I’m good.”

“I know, but I’m a little bit worried.”

“What? why?”

“I don’t know, feels like you’ve been distant? Maybe distant is not the word… preoccupied?”

San does not respond instantly, weighting his next words. He feels terrible for the concerns he has raised in his alpha; he feels terrible because he has failed to hide them well in the first place.

“Actually, I’m–”

Yunho’s watching him with his big bright eyes and San does not dare to say something that might dim their light.

“–I’m just anticipating this comeback, I really think this is our best album so far.”

Yunho hums, one hand resting on the back of his hand. The touch itself is enough to make the omega sit upright, igniting a small heat in his stomach.

“I get it.” He says. “Know you can come for me anytime Sannie. For anything.”

“I know.”

“Do you want me to eat you out?”

San’s hole has the audacity to clench at the thought. 

“Jesus, Yunho you can’t–you can’t say stuff like that in public.” He could really be shameless sometimes.

“Sure I can. And we’re the only one left; it’s fine.”

“It’s not.”

“So, do you want me to? It usually helps you de-stress.”

San refrains himself from saying it helps _de-everything_ but that would be pointless. His best option is to decline. Having sexual activities with Yunho alone isn’t the best thing to do, judging how the previous times all led to him crying like a wailing new-born.

Definitely not a good idea.

“Not if I want to walk tomorrow.” San closes his eyes, the pressure on his neck feeling so good. Yunho must’ve been a professional masseur in his past life.

“I can be gentle.”

To that, the omega laughs. “Not when you eat ass.”

“Touché.”

“And I also don’t want to spend one additional hour at the makeup station, the staff will kill me if I show up with puffy eyes again.”

Yunho’s smell does little to hide his arousal. “I personally think it’s hot.”

San does not blush at that. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Embarrassingly hot.”

“Shut up.”

“Alright, but you know it’s alright to want this. Crying or anything, really.”

_But he shouldn’t want to be romantically involved with solely one of his bandmates_ , a nagging voice that sounds a lot like Joong’s provides in the back of mind. 

_Shut your dumb mouth, fake Joong voice,_ San mentally snaps back.

Fortunately, loud voices break into the room before San can answer. The omega perceives it as a blessing because he didn’t have anything intelligent to respond back.

Wooyoung–because of course it is Wooyoung, who else– has his fingers pointed towards the leader. “You’re trying to get out of chores again!” He accuses, dolphin voice hard to miss.

Hongjoong tries to remain composed but the deep flush on his cheeks is a dead end. “no, I’m not, I need to work on a song.”

“What’s that song called? Liar? Betrayal? How to stab your friends ten times?”

“Now that’s overreacting.”

Wooyoung pouts. “Not when I’ve been doing your duties. You were the one to come up with that idea in the first place.”

“Alright alright, sorry. I’ll come home with you guys and do my chores. Happy?”

Wooyoung pretends to consider. “I suppose I can be the bigger person.”

Hongjoong chuckles fondly. “What if we get some take out? I know, pizza?”

“You know I’m on a diet, I’m trying to stick to gluten-free dinners.”

“More weighted workout is gluten-free,” Jongho smirks, rather proud of his input. “Add that to your diet.”

“Jongho.” Seonghwa calls out. “Respect your elders.”

“Says the one with a baby face on the body of a bear.” For that, the beta gets a jab in the gut.

Seonghwa turned to face the beta. “Don’t encourage this!”

“You know, if you keep talking maybe one day you’ll say something smart.”

Wooyoung fakes laugh. “Didn’t you hear hongjoong? Shut up Jongho!”

“Huh? Not what I said,” Hongjoong pipes in.

“That’s the same thing.”

“Whatever.” The leader knows when a cause is lost, this is the kind of thing you pick up when you manage a team of _heathens._

“Are you all pretending I’m not here?” the wrinkles in the corners of Seonghwa’s eyelids twitch violently at being ignored.

“I’m listening to you.” Yeosang responds, his bored expression not matching his words.

The alpha automatically embraces the young omega and plays along for attention, eyeing the rest of the group with disgust. “You’re the only one I can trust! It’s just us against the world now!”

“Very mature.” Jongho remarks.

“Don’t speak to me bear man.”

“So no pizza?” Hongjoong calls.

Wooyoung stomps on the ground like a spoiled child. “UGH; fine! But you pay for it. And you’ll be the one to explain my coach if I put weight on.”

“When do I ever not pay for your food?” The alpha interjects. “And since when is that even an issue? You’re not the one showing your abs this time.”

“Can’t a man take care of his body?”

“Sure.” hongjoong rolls his eyes, all interest in this conversation already lost. “Talking about abs, where are those two?” The alpha scans the room, eyes locking on his missing members. “Hey, san, yunho!”

“Hm?” San lifts his head, Yunho’s hand leaving his neck.

San tries not to show how much the loss affects him.

“What’s up?”

“We’re stopping by for a take out on our way home. Pizza. You good with that?”

Yunho nods, “Good, but I’m ordering sprite.”

“And can I choose the toppings?” San asks.

Hongjoong eyes him doubtfully. “Not sure someone who enjoys eating mint-choco for fun can be trusted with such important decision.”

“Hey! That’s not fair! Mint-choco is good.”

“Not the mint-choco debate again!” Yeosang’s voice echoes from the side.

“I bet you’ll ask for something like fucking pineapples.”

San blinks dumbly. “What’s wrong with pineapples?”

Hongjoong hisses. “I knew it; your tastes are shit and you ain’t choosing anything. You’ll have cheese like a normal person.”

“But hyung!”

“No.”

“Please.”

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Pleaaase.”

“If I see one pineapple on your damn pizza you’ll be assigned to cleaning the bathroom for an entire month.”

“What?!”

“Now get your ass up and put on your coat.”

San mumbles not to be heard but he clearly isn’t happy with the outcome. What’s wrong with a bit of diversity? It adds flavour.

On his side, Yunho’s already up. He doesn’t remember feeling the other move. The alpha is offering him his hand and San takes it without an ounce of hesitation. He’s on his legs the next second and San hopes his efforts at hiding how much he likes that demonstration of strength are worth something.

Yunho leans in and San is ready to fucking the kiss the hell of this man-but then there’s hair against his cheek, and Yunho’s breath running down his ear. “Don’t tell Joong, but I’ll order one for you.”

San smiles. “Like he’ll ever let that happen.”

“He said you couldn’t order one, he didn’t say anything about me!” Yunho says.

“I love you.” San tries to laugh it off but he is dead serious inside.

Yunho chuckles and taps the omega on the shoulder. “I know I know, what can I say, happy to help.”

They gather their stuff before leaving the studio, making sure each light is off. They do not have to wait for long until the van pulls up in front of the agency, but it is enough for San’s mind to wander. He’s cold, Seoul’s winter temperatures are not messing around, and it is the perfect excuse to stick his sides against Yunho’s warm body–or more like his warm coat, but that is beyond the point.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons the alpha is invading his mind lately. _Because he gives me hawaiian pizza?_ His mind provides.

_No that’s stupid._ Unless… _No._ It’s simply because this once more shows Yunho’s kindness.

Still, right before san hops in the van, taking his seat next to yeosang, he manages to type _he lets me eat pineapple on my pizza_ in his list. Just in case this reveals itself to be relevant in the future.

What San believed to be a tight schedule turns into hectic days, which quickly turn into frenetic weeks. They are thrown into new shows everywhere and not just any kind–the weekly broadcasted kind. It's insane. It's like San's walking on a path of clouds. He's over the moon; so happy and moved to see their hard works finally pay off. It only motivates him to do better, to push further. San wants to improve and he wants to improve fast–to captivate more audience, for Ateez to grow bigger, to grow fiercer.

He gives his soul on the stage of Immortal Song. Rain is watching them and it lights a fire in his chest. San does what he does best; he performs like this is the last time, like he's the protagonist of the song. This is his story, his scene and Rain is going to love it.

They win. Rain tells them they're going to get big and they win.

They do not forget to mention Mingi. San cannot wait to call him after tonight. He would have loved to be there. San also knows he would have made the stage his. Everything's good, he's so happy his ears are ringing. Yunho gets a huge from his idol. Everything's perfect.

San's so happy.

They win and life becomes even more insane after that. Followers are increasing, their presence are even more requested and they are rumoured to be a huge competitor for Kingdom.

San is almost convinced he's dreaming at this point. Everything is happening so fast San is afraid he won’t be able to enjoy every single moment.

Once they're back in their dorm, Yunho hugs him (he hugs everyone, and he kisses everyone) but he hugs him _first_ , and San is high on adrenaline and fuck he's missed him. San grows desperate and needy and _fast_. He whines and does little jumps, to which Yunho instinctively shut down by lifting him off the ground.

San is lucid enough to grab Seonghwa's collar as Yunho walks them to their bedroom. The oldest Alpha does not question and easily falls behind. Wooyoung joins them a few minutes later.

They have sex. Lots of it. It pains him to not be the centre of Yunho's attention but San knows it's for the best. At least he knew before they set themselves on the bed. Right now his mind is clouded by a severe fever. Hands are everywhere on his skin, teeth and nails digging into his thighs. San greedily asks for more, _more more_ and harder, meaner, _crush me,_ he says.

He doesn't want to think, he simply wants to feel and god does this feel good.

It's to Yunho's scent that he falls asleep to, that night. They're in his bed, it's his sheets, his cum spread on his stomach and his lips, it's his scent that his rubbing in the juncture of his neck, the spot that never fails to make him so deliciously pliant.

San falls asleep like that, in the arms of the alpha, Wooyoung caging his front. Seonghwa and Jongho chose to return to their own room in order to avoid sleeping on the floor.

San falls asleep with a content smile.

Happiness, San learns, fades rather quickly.

It doesn't take much.

It really doesn’t take much.

It all comes down on a Thursday afternoon. Most of the members are out of the flat; Hongjoong is forever and always at the studio, probably already thinking of their next album although this one has yet to come out. Jongho is on the set of their drama Imitation, filming solo scenes alongside some other male idols and Wooyoung is filming a vlive in the kitchen of the company. He didn’t want to take the risk to film a vlive in their own kitchen, afraid to show too much of their dorm, in case he’d forget to hide all private things.

So it’s simply him, Yunho, Seonghwa and Yeosang in the dorm. It’s one of those rare relatively free days for most of them.

Not even an hour ago they were all gathered on the couch, their attention on the tv screen; Yunho was beating Seonghwa at mario kart and it was a very entertaining sight. Seonghwa is nothing but a sore loser.

Yeosang had excused himself to the bathroom and had not come back yet. San had been too absorbed by the game to notice. He should’ve.

“I win again.” Yunho yells, hands in the air to ask for high five. San happily obliges.

“That’s not fair, you’re cheating.”

“How so?”

“You’re literally stabbing me in the gut with your elbow!”

Yunho feigns innocence. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. San, did I ever do that?”

“Nope,” San says, getting himself way too comfortable on the couch.

Seonghwa throws him a dirty glare. “Traitor, is this how you treat your favourite hyung?”

“I don’t have favourites.”

To that, both Yunho and Seonghwa snort and San feels offended. “Rude!”

“Sure you don’t.”

“I’ll check on Yeosang–you know, my favourite omega who really appreciates me.” Seonghwa grins and stands up to leave, not without gently stroking San’s hair on his way.

San hums, the tender touch short but enough to make his body all drowsy and soft. He doesn’t remember closing his eyes but he apparently has, because he can only hear Yunho turning off the console.

“Pretty sure it’s an excuse to flee another game against me!”

San hums, eyes still closed. “Sure, Yun.”

“But now that he’s gone… you can admit, I’m your favourite hyung!”

The omega hears him smile before he sees it. He opens an eye, and there it is–that goofy smile. San sits upright and shuts Yunho with a kiss. “I don’t have a favourite hyung,” he repeats himself.

Yunho whines, “But I’m the best cuddler!”

“That is not the question.”

“Really? What if I say no more cuddles until you admit to it?”

San pretends to receive a bullet right to the heart, fake gasping and hands in the air. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“Say it then. Yunho’s my favourite hyung.”

“I don’t tell lies!”

“Say it!”

San does not respond, smirk challenging the alpha to bring it on.

Yunho’s expression shifts into something, so fast San barely sees it, before the corners of his lips lift up, a fake innocent smile plastered on his face. “Oh Sannie, you brought this upon yourself.”

“Wha–”

There’s no time to complete his sentence before all air is cut off from his lungs. Yunho is all over him in a second, hands slipping under his shirt and up to his ribs and then higher and higher, fingers teasing and tickling–fuck San’s squirming and trashing his body around so hard Yunho almost gets his face elbowed twice.

“Stop-p stop !”

“Say it Sannie,” Yunho singsongs.

San’s face is hot at the proximity and the familiarity of alpha’s weight on him. He can’t stop laughing and crying at the same time, it’s on the verge of becoming painful. He’s about to admit defeat when a loud slam echoes in the room. It makes both San and Yunho jump at the sound.

It’s all happening too fast for San’s slowed mind to catch up. One second he’s all happy and laughing and touching Yunho everywhere, and then the next Yunho’s body is off of him, apart from their hands still joined. Seonghwa bursts back into the living room and the poor man looks panicked. San immediately knows something’s wrong.

“Hyung?” Yunho calls first.

“We have a problem.”

“What’s going on?” San dares to ask, hand squeezing Yunho’s. “You’re scaring me a little.”

“It’s about Yeosang.”

San’s perks up in worry, his scent turning sour. Was his fellow omega sick? Is that why he hasn’t come back from this trip to the bathroom? How did he fail to notice something like that? San knows Yeosang’s scent when he’s sick.

Yunho squeezes his hand back, sensing the rising anxiety from the omega.

“What’s the problem? Is he not feeling well?”

Seonghwa sighs, pursuing his lips. “He’s in heat.”

There’s a long, or at least what feels like a long, silence. San isn’t sure what’s going on.

But his mind is suddenly very awake and going very fast. He’s counting the days, he remembers the dates marked in red on their calendar. Yeosang’s heat wasn’t supposed to happen before the first week of April, scheduled one week after San’s.

It’s impossible.

He must have said that out loud, because Seonghwa’s concerned eyes are now on him. “I know, it’s unexpected.”

“Unexpected? Our comeback is next week,” Yunho reminds. “What are we going to do?”

Seonghwa inhales, considering. “What we are not going to do, is freak out. Yeosang’s doing enough of that already. I know it’s not the ideal time, but there’s nothing that can be done. I texted the others and our manager, we’ll have to immediately start taking care of it.”

The alpha pauses again. “Yunho, you and I should knot him until the others arrive. We need to make sure his heat is done before next week.”

Today is Thursday, San cannot help but think.

“San, of course you are needed just as much. Yeosang would really benefit from your scent, you always calm him the best.” Seonghwa’s phone pops at that moment. “Ugh, Hongjoong won’t be there until tonight, he’s in a meeting. Wooyoung is ending his vlive, shouldn’t take him too long. Jongho isn’t responding.”

Anger isn’t a sentiment San is familiar with. But Seonghwa begs him with his starry eyes and San cannot help the refuge he finds in this shameful feeling. He shouldn’t try to crawl towards it yet here he is.

“Guess there’s only one thing to do. We’ll have to take turns to knot him as much as possible, I don’t know how much days off they’ll give us, this close to a showcase.” Yunho says, voice oddly calm judging the situation.

San makes the mistake to seek the alpha’s eyes, but his attention is long gone.

That’s when it precisely all goes down.

San doesn't understand how it happens, but it does. In a fragment of second, his mind is overwhelming with torturous images of Yunho and Yeosang fucking, bodies shining with sweat, the heat taking control and he sees them mating, he sees the bites the kisses and the loving and San hates it all.

Something in him breaks. It suddenly all makes sense–the feeling of dread when Yunho is kissing someone else, the jealousy, the building fire in his guts. It all makes sense and he is finally able to pinpoint every single moment that has led to this situation. 

Yunho was all his first; first time feeling like a crushing teen in love, first person to touch him the day he presented, first person the kiss him, during and outside his heat, the first person to comfort him when he'd be rejected for a monthly performance, the very first person to hold him back. The first person to give him a gift, his first love―first everything. 

It all belongs to him. San belongs to him. 

Then, San supposes it is in all fairness that Yunho would be his first heartbreak. Because San isn't an idiot, he knows that sound–he has been trying to keep it on mute for months. 

Yunho stands up from his position on the couch, dropping his hand. It’s a little bit like he’s dropping San’s heart to the floor, which he didn’t know he had been holding.

San is very proud of himself for not reaching out in a pathetic attempt at preserving his heart.

The alpha's channel seems to be entirely focusing on Yeosang's noises in the end of the apartment and not San's poor, forlorn soul.

Seonghwa ends the call with jongho (when did that happen?), assuring he is on his way back to help them take turns.

San isn’t even listening anymore at this point.

Yunho is his first love, the genesis of it; the first time an alpha made him feel special and pretty. Yunho was the first member to call him precious. Who could really blame him? All San wants is to be special, to be someone’s number one. San is aware of his issues and perhaps fans have started to catch up too; that San cannot let go of that feeling of being special.

San has always been hungry for love.

The realization hits him like a truck. San is in love. San is in love with Yunho. 

_San is in love with Yunho._

But this is the first time San has ever had to confront that ugly feeling that is selfishness. If this is a result of falling in love with solely one person, then San does not want to fall in love anymore. 

He’s scared. He’s in love and scared.

This is the first time San is scared to go inside of one of his bandmate's rooms. 

Yunho is his first _everything_ and it pains him deep to the core.

San would do anything to take all of his firsts back if that meant saving his team. 

Because this time San is sure of this himself. He is confident that at the rate he is falling, if he doesn't stop it in time, he is about to ruin Ateez's future. He will be his own pack's doom. 

“San, you’re listening?” Seonghwa turns back at him, seeing that the omega is the only one not following. “I know it's unexpected, but we're really going to need you to maintain a calm atmosphere, hm?”

San nods, barely aware of his surroundings. 

Seonghwa smiles fondly, walking up to him to pat his head. “Good omega,” he praises and San wished he'd feel the pride it usually brought. “Yeosang is probably the most surprised one and he's very, very stressed. your presence will be important. You can do that right? For Yeosang?”

San gulps. 

“yeah,” His voice comes out raspy and he barely manages to hide a whimper. “For Yeosang.”

San can do it– _no_ , San must do it. For his pack. For Yeosang. Yunho is allowed to be there for the other omega–his omega; just like San is his. Nothing of Yunho would solely belong to him. He’s long made his peace with that. More or less.

On unsteady legs, the omega sets his mind to the task. He's got a job to do. 

As they make their way to Yeosang’s shared bedroom, San purposefully stays behind the alphas; for them not to see his face and for him not to see theirs. He's afraid a moment of weakness might give a glimpse of the terrible person San is becoming. 

Rage is a scale that never settles and San’s only going up. It’s like swirls of poison are swimming through his bloodstream.

Seonghwa stops in front of the door, grip tight on the handle. The alpha gives them one last glance to ensure everyone’s ready.

_He doesn’t want to do this._

San swallows the lump in his throat. The omega throws an affirmative nod, not trusting himself to speak. Where San is all tense and nervous twitches, Yunho stands unfazed and at ease.

Seonghwa nods back and leads them inside the room.


	2. turning blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yunho does not tell lies. It's his fatal flaw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall.... I'm not very satisfied with this chapter, to be honest, but there it is anyway.  
> Can you tell i'm not good with smut and all that?  
> Enjoy ! Or, well... If you love angst, that is.

It’s a mesmerising sight.

The warmth of the room is familiar and usually awakens a sense of urgency in San. The right kind; the kind that makes him want to touch everything, to be everywhere at once. San wonders how this much-appreciated sense of familiarity can suddenly give rise to such great fear.

Yeosang lies in the centre of the double bed; completely undressed, except for his shirt. It is only a matter of time before the garment ends up on the pile on the floor, the omega pulling impatiently on its tip, pupils dilated and fixed on the newcomers. His skin glistening with sweat seems to glow supernaturally, with the window strategically positioned to give the illusion that the omega is bathing in sunlight. 

It truly is a sight to behold.

San doesn't know where to look. The youngest omega feels strangely out of place.

Yeosang is inexplicably beautiful, bordering on indecency. His legs are bent and slightly apart, shyly inciting his Alphas to come and settle there. That's all it takes to bring them back to reality. All three of them move in practiced movements; they can be strangely synchronized despite the difference in their gestures. Seonghwa is the first to invite himself between the thin legs of the omega, not losing a single second before drowning Yeosang in a tide of kisses. San, his courage at its peak following the rise of pheromones, sits comfortably at the headboard, still eager to soothe his fellow omega with hugs. Yunho sits close by, at the end of the bed, a large hand grasping one of the omega's thighs, alternating between caresses and squeezes. 

San focuses on releasing calming pheromones, whispering sweet encouragement in Yeosang's ears.

“M' sorry,” Yeosang's voice comes out all twisted and breathless. Seonghwa's sinful mouth traces an agonisingly slow path down to his toned stomach, placing here and there ghostly kisses; as light as feathers, yet enough to spark a fire in Yeosang's loins. The temperature’s rising up–and fast. 

San's certain of it, and the members seem to acknowledge it as they haste their next move; they've already entered the second wave of heat.

The omega’s abs are clenching and unclenching in anticipation and Seonghwa shows him mercy, fingers circling his drenched rim, slick thick and pouring. Yunho's teeth nip at his sides, holding him down on the bed to refrain him from fleeing while he’s being fingered to oblivion. 

San takes advantage of the way being cleared to lay closer and rest his lips on Yeosang's puffed cheek. He licks timidly, making sure to keep his kisses light and tender on the omega's sensitive skin. 

“M' sorry m'in heat.” He barely manages to spell out the words, moans and breathes unsteady and frenetic. 

San maintains his scent on positive, soothing thoughts in hope it reaches the omega's dazed stream of consciousness. Happy thoughts of the most vivid orange sunsets, or the addictive aroma of ripe cherries; of every single thing that reminds him of _Yeosang._ “Hush, angel, it's okay.”

“That's right lovely, you're doing so good,” Seonghwa presses on.

“Gonna take care of you,” Yunho breathes out between two bites on the bruised thigh. 

“Don’t forget me,” San does not need to turn his head to know it’s Wooyoung. The beta’s quick to undress and take his righteous place on the bed, across San.

Although it’s a large bed, it is not designed to fit them all. Wooyoung’s legs are half-hanging from the mattress, balancing his upper body on his elbows. Yeosang whines, twice eager and desperate in his best friend’s presence. 

“Good to see you didn’t start without me,” he grins, hands cupping the omega’s face. “you’re so freaking hot like that, have I ever told you that?”

“You say that every time,” Yeosang gasps; if Yunho’s hands weren’t pressing his hips against the bed, he’d be frantically riding Seongwa’s fingers by now.

“And I mean it every time,” Wooyoung kisses him as if to prove a point. Then, he throws a wink in San’s way. “Smell good Sannie.”

“Hmmm,” San barely manages to respond.

It's easy, easier than he believed it’d be–borderline natural, to fall back into this dynamic. It's so easy to let himself be carried along by the routine. His muscles move on their own, more by automatism than by pure will. Although not by a lack of will, but rather by a lack of control over himself. San has never willingly missed any of the cycles of his pack members, especially when it comes to his fellow omega.

San desperately wants to help Yeosang, dare he say even more than he wants to help himself.

So, he kisses him, eyes shut tight. He kisses him again, whispering soft praises.

“I love you,” Yeosang says, not solely directed to him, but San does not verbally answer. He takes his lips once more, with a deeper kiss.

Wooyoung’s working his tongue on the omega’s nipples; it makes it harder to keep up the kiss.

San’s aroused–it is hard not to be, between the pheromones and Yeosang–yet he does not do anything to relieve any pressure, nor does he seek further touches. He stays on the side of Yeosang’s head, his attention on his scent and not on Yunho.

_Speaking of the devil._

The divine scent of Yunho is getting stronger and stronger, to the point of encroaching on that of Seonghwa and disturbing the focus of San.

Curiosity kills the cat, and San regrets the very second he dares to open an eye.

Yunho’s there, right where Seonghwa was kneeling a few minutes ago. Yunho’s there, hungry eyes red with lust. Yunho’s there, curved mouth and scent rising up. Yunho’s there and all his attention is on Yeosang and, and San’s there, only Yunho does not see him.

_That's the way it's supposed to happen_ , he cannot help but resonate, although that doesn't stop his lungs from clenching. It pulls at his heart, this ugly feeling of disgust. A disgust with himself for daring to be selfish in such a crucial moment for Yeosang.

Yunho’s there; San is too, even so they are simply not there for each other this time.

It's supposed to happen like that; Yunho, obsessed by the beautiful creature that is Yeosang, giving him his unwavering attention.

San understands. He might have hoped for a glance in his direction, a caress, but he understands and it is surely wiser. San _understands_.

He closes his eyes again; too quickly to notice Wooyoung's gaze on him. He feels a bit silly indeed, but he has to keep his eyes closed; there is nothing for him to see.

San rubs his cheeks against Yeosang’s, the omega pheromones mixing with one another. San isn’t selfish–doesn’t _want_ to be selfish. The youngest omega’s scent subsides a little, hiding his face in the crook of Yeosang’s shoulder, his hands pinned under his own chest to restrain his movements.

Despite his lack of vision, San can picture it. Yunho’s strong, rough alpha body lines melting against Yeosang’s sharp ones. He hears it; the wet sounds of tongues and dripping saliva, the clashing of teeth.

He can’t stand it. All of these noises around him.

San had the tiny hope that Seonghwa would be the first to knot Yeosang; it wouldn’t have made the problem disappear, but it would have at least given San a bit more time to prepare.

San is nothing but prepared.

Seonghwa’s hand remains on his body, moving from his hair to his neck. A pair of lips caress his shoulder and hands cup the hem of his shirt in an attempt to undress him. San doesn’t pay attention to any of it. He doesn’t move an inch to accommodate the oldest alpha.

Seonghwa’s tugs on his clothes a bit more roughly but San does not move from his hunched position. The only sign of response he offers is to slightly move his head to the side, half of his face no longer hidden. Seonghwa raises an eyebrow, uncertain with the omega’s behaviour.

“Focus,” the oldest says.

The omega obeys. He focuses.

Yunho rolls his hips endlessly, Yeosang’s calves on his well-shaped shoulders. The alpha’s hands are large enough to cover at least half of his thighs. Yunho grunts, ruts, it’s addictive and executed in an intoxicating rhythm. The precision in his sharp thrust makes the omega’s toes curl, chest rising up from the bed.

San gulps. Yunho’s showing no sign of slowing down–worse, he looks eager.

Instantly, the pressure on his neck is too much and painful. Seonghwa's eyes are hard and betray his disappointment.

San smells it a second too late; how sour his scent has turned. It is like burnt flowers; the scent of ashes is suffocating. Yeosang's shifts underneath him, overwhelmed and uncomfortable. The poor omega is probably afraid something's wrong, senses heightened and easily disrupted.

All attention immediately shifts to San. 

The shame rises up in his throat and San wants to throw up. Four pairs of eyes are on him, Yunho's eyes are finally on him, and he wants to disappear. He's still trying to gain control over his scent, to tune it down but the damage has already been done. San feels his throat tighten, words press against his mouth, begging to be said.

San stays silent, pulling away from Yeosang's trembling body. The words behind his lips are like bombs about to explode, and San doesn't trust himself not to accidentally discharge them.

San holds Wooyoung's gaze for a long moment, for there is something unfamiliar laying there–something that makes San believe there is a side of Wooyoung he has yet to see.

“You good?” Yunho asks, movements on hold.

The alpha’s soft voice is enough to let him find his voice. “Yeah, I’m,” San pauses to inhale. “I don’t feel so good,” he admits bleakly.

Seonghwa stares at him silently, like he’s trying to see past him. San hopes he’ll never find what lays behind the mask. San hopes he doesn’t _see._

“What do you mean?” Wooyoung presses. “You’re sick?”

San nods and it all feels inherently wrong. “Think so.”

The omega strategically does not glance in Yunho’s way. There’s only so much he can take.

Yeosang makes a strangled noise, growing more feverish and delirious at the lack of touch, and it’s enough to bring their undivided attention to him. Seonghwa bites his bottom lip and it is easy to read his face; the conflict on whose omega he should provide for.

San knows the answer to that. “I’ll leave.”

Wooyoung turns his head again, bewildered. “You’re sure? That bad?”

“I’m sorry.” He truly is. “I’m really sorry.” He says it directly to Yeosang, this time.

And Yeosang, smiling all angelic and genuine, eyes having difficulties to focus on him, whispers, “You’re all forgiven, it’s okay.”

Yeosang seeks for his hand to squeeze one last time and something keeps fracturing inside San.

Seonghwa nods slowly. “If you’re sure.”

San stands up on shaky legs and sucks in his breath; a quiet, ragged sound from trying not to cry.

He leaves the room without a glance. He needs to leave. He needs to be _out of there_ , far away from the wrongs he could’ve done and inflicted. 

On his way out, he crosses paths with Jongho. The young boy gives him a look of incomprehension, an unspoken question hovering in the silence. San doesn't bother to answer it, crossing the corridor at full speed to his bedroom.

He’s partly ashamed of lying and partly satisfied with his decision. It’s not a complete lie, to begin with. He trusts guilt to fully gnaw him from within tomorrow.

Behind his closed doors and under the covers of his bed, San feels safe enough to burst into tears.

He’s sufficiently lucid to bite onto his plushie to mute the noise, so it doesn’t disturb the others. 

The heat of the room has left his body. Despite the piles of stuffed dolls surrounding him and the heavy duvet around his body, San is cold. 

There isn’t any way he could paint it that would make it hurt less. San is alone, and cold.

  
  
  


San does not fall asleep. Over three hours have passed, and he has not moved an inch.

The golden light of spring has turned into a freezing blue, growing darker, darker still. 

The night has fallen and the room remains quiet in spite of San's tortured mind. The silence is far from soothing; there's no peace in this placidity, he feels like a convict awaiting his sentence.

He fears the verdict. He is terrified that he will have to face the judgment again, so raw on Seonghwa's face. Seonghwa who only has the gift of gentle speech, who has always been able to close the slightest wound with his presence. The same Seonghwa, who had for San only a gaze of pure disappointment. 

San's terrified of Yeosang's unforgiveness. Of Yeosang seeing this as an act of betrayal. He's terrified of Wooyoung. Of what he thinks. Of what he might tell Jongho, and the others. To Hongjoong, once he's home. To Mingi, over the phone. If Mingi can even feel the bleeding crack in the bond regardless of the distance.

Above all, San dreads Yunho's opinion. 

San can only wonder, when he would ever have thoughts of his own again.

San fears the loss. Maybe they all heard the lie. Maybe the moment San walked out of the room, they already knew the reason and voluntarily let him go.

Maybe the image they have of San, Ateez's little omega performer, is now tainted by his mistake. By his abandonment. 

The door creaks. San holds his breath.

Plunged in the darkness, San is still able to distinguish the broad silhouette of his alpha.

Yunho enters the room like he owns it; he’s a walking daydream, hair wet and dressed in clean clothes. It’s a sight he’s blessed to see every single night. Tonight is different. His eyes are small, with dark circles growing under his enchanting brown pearls. He must be exhausted.

Yunho locks his eyes with _San’s._

_Oh_.

There is no sign of anger. It leaves San unable to react appropriately.

The alpha pauses his movements, hand on the doorknob, sensing something’s off. San wishes his heart would beat without tearing itself apart at each inhale and exhale.

The silence stretches thin. Yunho rarely looks unsure. It’s odd and unsettling.

“Are you feeling better?” He asks softly.

San hesitates. _Right_. He said he was sick earlier. 

“Yeah,” the omega breathes. “A bit.”

Yunho hums and finally closes the door. He makes his way to the bed, eyes set on San’s unmoving frame above his head.

The omega expects him to leave it there. To say goodnight and not deal with him. He doesn’t.

He stops in front of the bed ladder, but the growing tension that this act alone generates is far from being reflected in the alpha's stance. Yunho looks drained, but he carries himself without an ounce of tautness. San feels like a live-wire on the verge of snapping. He probably is sweating like a volcano, a nervous mess contrasting with Yunho’s calm appearance.

“What?” San says dumbly.

Yunho eyes him expectedly.

The omega is unsure what to do, whether he’s being played a trick or not. 

_Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out._

Yunho grunts and San dares to move (he’s a bit ashamed at how fast he moves). He rises himself on his knees and walks on all fours to the edge of the bed.

They’re simply staring at each other.

Without a warning, Yunho grabs the omega by his armpits and lifts him off the mattress. 

“Yun!” San screeches, legs automatically circling the alpha’s waist to hold himself, nails digging into his solid shoulders.

Seeing that the man in his arms is in a secured position, Yunho rests one hand on his lower back, holding him up pressed against his chest.

San’s brain short circuits. Perhaps he has fallen asleep already, and this is Dream Yunho’s doings.

That would make more sense, frankly speaking.

Except San knows this warmth. The shape of these hands. It’s real. It’s very much real.

_So why does it feel like it’s not?_

“Don’t worry,” the alpha whispers. “I got you.”

Such simple words, whispered with such ease despite the heavy meaning they carry, are enough to grant the relief that San needs so much. The omega suddenly feels the weight of fatigue falling on his body, chin dropping over Yunho's head. Each of his limbs is too heavy for him alone.

“I got you, Sannie.”

With his free hand, the alpha pushes the sheets and comforter to the side. He doesn’t let go of San when he crawls on the bed; he takes his time, careful not to jostle the precious cargo in his arms.

San doesn’t let go either. His nose finds refuge in this small, tiny patch of skin where Yunho's scent gland hides. San would like to be small enough to settle there wholly and permanently. To be indelibly marked, body and soul, by Yunho's musky essence.

“I got you,” he repeats. _You got me,_ San mentally provides. _All of me._

It’s too easy to be spellbound by Yunho, hence San allows himself a fleeting instant of weakness.

Cradled against a solid chest, his arms shift to hug his legs. The omega bends his knees up against his torso, so he's able to fit his whole body between Yunho's embrace. The alpha rests his upper body on the bed frame, getting into a comfortable position.

The silence lasts a long time. It doesn't embody this overwhelming feeling of unease and for that reason, San is almost afraid to break it.

They lie quietly for a few more minutes.

"Why?" It's a loaded question. San wonders if Yunho is aware of its extent.

Pressed against his ear, the alpha's heartbeat is slow but steady. _Probably not,_ San concludes.

Speaking loud enough for San to hear, Yunho says, “You asked for me.”

Of all the things he was expecting to hear, this one was very far from it. He says it like San should've known the answer.

“I didn't?” San mumbles.

“You did,” Yunho counters. “You always do.”

Lips touch the top of his head in a rain of kisses, like Yunho's painting a crown on top of his head. His thumbs draw circles on his much smaller fingers, like they're tracing invisible rings. San feels like he's basking under the warmest day of summer. He can't get enough of this.

San has a brief thought for the list in his mobile phone. He makes the mental note to add _"his hugs bring me safety"_ first thing in the morning.

“I'm glad you do.”

The duty of picking up the mess named San shouldn't fall on Yunho, but it somehow always does. Perhaps this is what the older means by _“you asked for me.”_

“I'm sorry.”

Yunho moves his hand to cup the omega’s jaws, a finger resting in the corner of his lips.

“Don't be.”

“But Yeosang–”

“–Yeosang's fine. He's with Hongjoong right now, asleep.” There's a pause, a ruffling of sheets when the alpha moves his insanely long legs. “And so should you.”

San doesn't dare to say more. He's afraid of how well Yunho can read him. Afraid he's doing something and pulling across the bond, calling for a pack member exclusively when he shouldn't.

“No one is mad at you, Sannie. You're allowed to feel unwell.”

_They should_ , an ugly voice says, _they should and they will, once the veil is lifted._

Yunho reaches for the bedding beside him and pulls the comforter over them. The voice no longer resonates in his head, like it was never there. 

“I promise you, no one is mad at you.” 

San's eyes are red-rimmed and sad with tears he refuses to shed. This is a promise he wants to believe in.

There's nothing he wants more at the moment, aside from Yunho's undivided attention. San has so much love to give and Yunho deserves every single drop of it.

San wants to believe he deserves it too. 

He is wrapped in a cocoon of warmth and San can feel his eyes close against his will. It's easy to believe because Jeong Yunho never lies–probably doesn’t even know how to. 

Yunho’s all types of sweetness, tender smiles, forbearance, attentiveness and honesty; it’s as easy to believe his words as it is to fall in love with him.

San can do easy if it’s with Yunho. 

  
  
  
  


Yeosang’s heat is almost reaching its end. Faithful to his words, the rest of the group have no resentment against San once he timidly steps out of his bedroom. They behave normally, although more considerate than usual. They ask him if he is feeling better, if it is an issue that needs medication. Hongjoong even offers to stop by the pharmacy on his way back from the studio. San declines, claiming that it's nothing that a good night's sleep can't fix.

He still doesn't join the pack when one of the members sneaks behind Yeosang's door. If the slightest scepticism hovers concerning the sincerity behind San's condition, nobody mentions it. Not in his presence, at least.

It’s fine, because Yeosang’s heat is two days away from ending. They’re starting the promotion in two days; Kingdom in three. There’s no time for mopping.

San feels a bit more alive – it’s a side effect of Yunho’s cuddles.

They’re on the set of Lupin Salary and this is undoubtedly the most complex episode they had yet to record. San must admit to being caught up in the plot of the screenplay; between the clues hidden in the rooms, the undertones of a love affair with the MPD, the omega is quickly immersed in the filming. 

It’s both confusing and thrilling to see his members trying to trick each other. San himself isn’t fully convinced about the murder’s identity. Jongho’s forever playing to win, Hongjoong is strategically twisting each suspicion thrown his way and Yunho’s doing a wonderful as suspect number one, and all the hints they’ve been given is a lot to process. San is a bit creeped out by this love story he’s been pushed into, but at least atinys will be entertained.

“You’re not the killer, are you?”

They’ve been given an hour break between the shoots to rest in the rented house. The staff members have left the room to allow them some privacy, but also to prepare and change the cameras for the following scenes. San hopes it is not to include further clues; the omega isn’t sure he can’t handle any more of this intrigue. 

“Wooyoung, even if I were I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Sounds like something a killer would say.”

San supposes that’s true.

He’s resting on the floor, head on the beta’s lap. The rest of the members are all spread out in the living room, some napping and some on their phones.

“So…”

“Oh oh,” San starts.

“What?” Wooyoung squints his eyes. “I didn’t even say anything yet.”

“You’re about to say something stupid. I can feel it in my bones.”

The pinch at his side makes the omega hisses loud enough for Hongjoong to shush him.

“Brat.”

“Takes one to know one.”

Wooyoung rolls his eyes, “Unbelievable.”

San smirks. “You were saying?”

“Ah, right,” there’s a hand on his hair, brushing some stray hairs away from his forehead. “How’s it going with your crush on Yunho?”

There’s sudden ice in his veins, sweat running down his neck. He said it low enough for the others not to hear; which indicates that the beta knows it isn’t something to say lightly, not something one can share.

Wooyoung stares. “Did you think you were subtle? Really, _you?_ ”

San weighs his options. His mind cannot get over the fact that perhaps, from the very beginning, Wooyoung _knew_. “I was right.”

“About?”

“That you’d say something stupid.”

Wooyoung groans in annoyance but there’s no heat in his reply. “San, come on.”

“I don’t have a crush on Yunho.” Perhaps it’s because he’s aware of his own bullshit, but San feels so stupid saying it out loud. It doesn’t matter, since there’s no possible way that the beta can hear his lie.

Wooyoung echoes. “You don’t have a crush on Yunho.”

He throws him a look – a look that speaks volume. A look that translates how San, out of all people, could be that clueless.

_Right_. Perhaps Wooyoung can detect the sound of lies.

“Sure you don’t,” he continues. “Like you don’t spend your time stuck to him.”

“It’s not a crush.”

“Sure it isn’t.”

“We’re roommates.”

“Been roommates for over two years now, yes.”

San frowns at the sarcastic tone. “It’s not a crush.”

In the furthest corner of the room, Yunho shifts on Hongjoong’s lap. San’s quite proud of himself for not staring too long. It’s enough for Wooyoung to raise his eyebrow at him.

_Why does San feel like it’s all the members do around him lately?_ It’s getting old.

“It’s okay if you do.”

San inhales sharply. “Woo. We’re a pack. I have a crush on all of you.” He licks his bottom lip, teeth dangerously caressing his plump skin. “I’m horny for each of you.” He plays along, sex talk always manages to get the beta off the track.

“Him a bit more.”

San heaves himself up, pinching the beta’s cheeks. “So you are jealous? Missing Woosan?” He gives his best act and fakes a giggle. He acts all cute and cringy, in hope it’s enough of a distraction.

The beta indulges him, it seems, because he doesn’t press the matter. Wooyoung peels his eyes away, and San doesn’t try to follow his gaze. He knows.

He pretends his eyes are following the movements of their alphas, and not just one.

With a wry smile, Wooyoung says, “Woosan is so overrated, Woosang is canon.”

San laughs it off, but there’s an heaviness in his heart he hopes will only reveal itself to be temporary. 

“You should stop hanging on twitter.”

“Man, you sound like Hwa,” He smiles thinly. “Cut it out! One is enough!”

San’s simply confused, a tad cranky and horny.

He simply needs to believe in it.

  
  
  
  


“15 minutes.”

The corridors are crammed, following the sanitary measures as closely as possible under the circumstances and idol groups gathered in the same area. From their dressing rooms, it is possible to see staff members moving around every so often when someone walks out the door. The backstage of each music programme are more or less identical, but it has been a long time since such a large number of people have been solicited for a project; San is thrilled.

All the more so that he's reunited with people he knows and admires; not just any idol groups. Idols they have befriended with, and idols they listened to before their debut.

It’s an astounding contrast. San’s first concert was IKON’s tour, and there he is, sharing the same stage as his seniors. It’s a feverish reality.

Indeed, they are about to become opponents, but there is no animosity. Hongjoong even had to scold Wooyoung and beg him to let go of Changbin's biceps so they could get dressed.

Jongho was forced to carry him to his makeup chair.

So, _yeah_ , they’re honestly not here to feed all this idol rivalry conspiracy.

They do it for the fun of it, the exposure. In all honesty, Ateez has for competitors only themselves.

San's so excited to start Kingdom. All his members are. They've worked on their routine for weeks now; it's the same feeling as giving someone a Christmas gift, and looking forward to seeing the shift in their face as it is revealed.

“12 minutes,” their manager’s voice echoes.

San’s taps his leg on the floor, anticipation rising.

Hongjoong calls. “Let’s move,” he turns his head to the young omega. “Don’t break the mic." 

San offers his leader a saccharine smile. “No promise.”

Hongjoong says something under his breath that sounds a lot like _“don’t even know why I bother each time”_ but San decides to ignore it.

Yunho holds his hand on the way to the stage, that’s what he focuses on. San’s demands for _special yuyu_ _hug_ have increased drastically, and San will keep on settling in the little space under the alpha’s armpit, as long as it is allowed. So San keeps hugging Yunho.

The leader’s voice is faint yet audible from the end of the hallway. “And for the love of god, keep it down with PDA. Not every pack is comfortable with that.”

Ignoring Hongjoong is becoming a natural response, at this point.

Wooyoung never misses a chance to grin at San knowingly. Each time Yunho’s arms brush the lowest area of his back, his grin keeps _growing_.

“And Seonghwa says I’m the one who’s shameless.”

“You are.” The oldest pipes in. “By far.” He insists.

“Yeosang’s hugging Jongho, and you’re not saying anything to him!” San shoves a finger in their direction to prove his point. 

Yeosang doesn't even bother to raise his head from where it's pressed flat against the young alpha's back. He doesn't emit the slightest signal that he's listening to what's being said about him. Jongho is indifferent, preoccupied with ensuring his microphone is properly hooked up. For him, it's just a regular quarrel with Woosan. By now he’s learned to tune it down.

Wooyoung scoffs. “Yeosang’s in heat.”

“His last day of heat.”

A pause. “That’s still heat.”

San knows what he’s implying. Albeit it is hardly likely for non-pack members to grasp the fragrance of Yeosang's heat, an omega remains more vulnerable and easy to fluster. Still. There isn’t a rule stipulating extra cuddles are forbidden outside their cycles.

San cranes his neck to glance up at Yunho. “Tell Wooyoung he’s mean.”

“You’re mean, Woo,” Yunho obliges with a large smile and an even larger hand sliding down the omega’ back pocket.

“Don’t indulge him!”

“Can’t help it, he’s cute.”

Choi San does _not_ blush because he’s been called cute. It's just really warm in here.

Wooyoung snickers.

“I’m cute too! Indulge me!”

Seonghwa fixes the messy locks falling on the beta’s face. “Only when you’re sleeping.”

“What about when I’m not sleeping?”

The alpha says it like he’s simply broadcasting the weather. “Then you’re a menace.”

Wooyoung considers. “Don’t try to get me with compliments.”

“What compliment?” Seonghwa blinks.

“2 minutes!”

“Oops, duty’s calling!”

Seonghwa watches the beta jogs to the stage with a fond expression. “Well, time to break the stage.”

He turns towards the attached duo. “That was not a challenge, baby.” There’s no real threat but San does not doubt the seriousness behind those words.

“Why is it always me?”

Yunho breaks into a fit of giggles. He releases his hold on San’s hip, and San reluctantly lets him. Not without pouting

“Because it _is_ always you, Sannie.”

San knows Yunho does _not_ mean it _that way_ but he cannot control the jump of his heart. No one needs to know the non-existent meaning San hears.

“Break a leg.”

It sounds like a request, like Yunho trusts San. Like he knows that’s what he’ll do. 

As the simple, dumb omega that he is, San nods eagerly. He wants to please _his_ alpha. 

So he breaks a leg.

There's a little secret behind San's infamous stage presence. Performing powerful songs makes him horny. This darker interpretation of Wave is no exception – the intensity of it all makes San breach a whole new level of horny. There’s an audience, seniors in the industry to impress. He manages to catch gasps as the omega spins, their eyes are so round and big, they’re watching him in awe. San wants to dive in all the attention.

_Watch me_ , he screams into nothingness as he grabs the flaming torch, _watch us._

They hold the position for interminable minutes, during which their opponents cheer and clap with a vigour that San hadn't foreseen, and the euphoria almost makes him forget the burning sensation in his hand, the flame close to his skin. He feels so electric it’s hard to believe he’s awake.

A staff member gives them a hand signal, and San jumps from the tower his members formed. He hands the torch to one of the workers, and they quickly make their way out of the stage to let the next group perform.

The Boyz are next. They barely have time to exchange words of encouragement as they rush down the steps; that’s a lot of members, too. San admits he marks a longer second on the tallest member because the boy is tall. Tallest he’s ever seen.

A hand rests on his narrow waist and squeezes. Hard.

San turns his head to see whose hand is touching him – Yunho’s watching far ahead.

Another artist, scent unfamiliar but undeniably of an alpha, walks past their perimeter and the hand tightens slightly. San can tell this is more a gesture of habit and muscle memory than a reaction to a real threat, Yunho’s not even looking at him. He’s even engaged in a conversation with Jongho – perhaps he isn’t aware of where his hand has landed.

He shouldn’t read too much into it.

San’s omega still beams in happiness.

Yeosang eyes him strangely from the side, the richly floral fragrance hitting his nostrils. 

San's starstruck by the alpha's touch. If they weren’t in public, San wouldn’t have fought the urge to steal a kiss.

The omega buries his flushed face in the chest he's eye-level with. His purring is muffled by the stirring fuss around them and that's fine. Yunho is hugging him tightly, strong grip lifting him up on a bed of clouds.

Fake Joong’s voice in San’s brain says: _You have been cuddling for far too long, people are staring._

The omega in the other part of his brain says: _More._

The physical contact is both grounding and overwhelming.

Yunho's hand never leaves him. Not when they watch the remaining performances, not when they change into more comfortable clothes, and even less once they're in the van back to the dorm. The alpha's heat envelopes him; the hand traces an irregular path as it moves from his waist, to his forearm, to his shoulder, to his neck, and back down again to his stomach. 

Sometimes the touch is feather-like, a ghostly caress, and sometimes its weight is heavy, the scratching of nails an unspoken reminder that Yunho's _right there._

They’re still high on adrenaline after they reach the dorm. Hongjoong closes the march, it is a day of celebration, so he’s cutting tonight's studio session short. Seonghwa’s expression has been cheerful since he announced it.

“I’m happy he’s taking care of himself, that’s all.”

Yeosang scoffs. “If you had a tail, it’d be wagging.”

“Trust me, something’s wagging.”

“Wooyoung!” Seonghwa says it like one would say _Jesus!_

“You’re literally twelve.” Hongjoong sighs in exasperation, scent of fresh paint oozing out of him as he’s slowly removing his jacket.

He turns his feet to escape the conversation, only to be faced with an odd sight.

Yunho blinks. “What?”

“Do you intend to ever let go or… ?” The leader flails his arm toward their locked arms. “Am I supposed to expect you to always be glued together now?”

With visible effort, San pulls himself away. If his heart aches at the fact that the alpha does nothing to prevent it, then that’s only for him to know.

“At this point we might as well get San a pet as a cuddle buddy.”

Yunho has the decency to be indignant. “But I am San’s cuddle buddy!”

“For when you’re not here.” Jongho rolls his eyes.

“He’s got Kuma for that.”

“He’s right.” Hongjoong confirms. “The pile of plushies is high enough as it is–and didn’t I implement a no-pets policy at the dorm anyway?”

“Ah,” Jongho sends a pensive gaze in the direction of the living room. “What are we supposed to do about Woo then?”

Wooyoung hisses from the couch. “Punk!”

“He doesn’t need a pet!” Yunho pouts. “He has me.”

Hongjoong’s expression turns sour. “Well, let’s control ourselves in public then.”

San feels his cheeks heat up, the red of shame spreading on his face.

“We were just hugging,” he tries weakly.

Hongjoong stares at him like he’s grown two heads. “Do you think it’d be an issue if that was true?”

San feels the vital need to shrink to the size of a grain of sand so as to avoid being the target of Hongjoong's impenetrable gaze. The scene shifted and the backdrop dimmed to let the curtain fall. San wonders what he did wrong.

_Time to drop the veil_.

“What do you mean?” He asks because he sincerely doesn’t have a clue.

“Your scent, Sannie. You’re kind of–well, spreading it a bit too much lately.”

San’s eyes widen. “What?”

Hongjoong isn’t a dominant alpha, per say. He's not excessively territorial, does not impose his decisions on those with a less powerful voice, and regularly lets the youngest push him around. His scent remains neutral from an outsider's perspective; as a pack, they are more sensitive to their own pheromones and are able to distinguish every fragrance. But for a stranger, Hongjoong doesn’t strike them as an alpha at first glance – he is, more often than not, regularly mistaken for a submissive alpha.

San stares at his leader and his presence owning the room; there's nothing submissive about Hongjoong when he puts on the leader role.

And the leader role is _so_ on.

San wishes he was able to master his scent as well as him.

He isn’t even aware he was releasing pheromones. Was everyone else aware? _Was Yunho aware?_

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry.”

Seonghwa pats his head, voice gentle and low. “It’s not a big issue.”

“It could be one, though.” Hongjoong insists. “We’re about to be in the presence of a lot of alphas, San. It’s either bound to misinterpretation from their side… Or bigger issues I’d rather not consider tonight.”

The omega starts to breathe harder but Hongjoong isn’t watching him anymore, leaving to the entrance to untie the knots of his boots. Seonghwa seems hesitant to step in; like he isn’t allowed to – or awaiting the green light.

It sounds rehearsed.

“It happens a lot when you’re with Yunho. So maybe cut it down a little.”

San laughs―except it’s discordant and empty. “Excuse me?”

“I say cut it down. The scent. Or I’ll have to separate you two until you’re more in control of yourself.”

If San had been listening, he would've heard the light tone. He wouldn’t be biting the inside of his cheek so hard he’d taste blood.

None of this matters because San _isn’t_ listening. He has stopped listening after hearing the word “separate”, which didn’t even sound like a real word in this sentence.

It simply sounded absurd. 

“No.”

The first thing he hears, ironically, is silence: aching and unnerving and _so fuckin’ loud._

It's as if his vision has been set to slow-motion; everything is unbearably slow, from the way Hongjoong rotates his body, to the grim realization on Seonghwa's face. The other members at the very least have the courtesy to blend in; San's aware that they're pretending not to tune in, engrossed with their own conversation or that dumb program on Yeosang's phone, but San isn't fooled.

Also, Wooyoung is far from being subtle.

It’s quiet and San hears his omega’s whines so clearly.

He tells him to _shut the fuc–_

Hongjoong dangerously repeats. “No?”

In the back of his mind, Hongjoong’s words are on a loop. He’s hit with a sudden memory ; during of their first recording sessions, he had once said _“Vigilance is not an empty word.”_ And although San doesn’t remember the context, it echoes. Endlessly.

It brings back memories San’d rip if they were made of papers. His brain cannot make the connection; it’s too absurd. Everything is. Seonghwa’s apologetic smile. This conversation. Hongjoong’s words.

Absurd.

It triggers an ugly, awful side of him.

“Why would you separate me and Yunho?” San jabs a finger into the air between him and the alpha.

Hongjoong stares a long before he replies. “It’s a joke, Sannie.” He takes a step forward, slow and hesitant, like San is an unpredictable animal. “I’m _joking.”_

Pettiness flashes through him. “Well, that’s not funny.”

The alpha says, annoyed, “What’s with you?”

The mounting wrath inside him is not something San thinks he can handle with his small body. He would be unable to identify its source.

What’s with him?

He could say the truth, for once. Lay it bear for everyone to see. Then none of them would be able to push the thoughts away, ‘ _why didn't you say anything’_ or _‘so you don’t love us?’_ and to this, _to this_ ―San has no answer.

So he doesn’t say anything. Silence is never a wrong answer.

“First you run away from Yeosang’s heat―”

Yunho opens his mouth to say something but a glance from the head alpha persuades him not to.

There’s nothing submissive about Hongjoong.

_“_ ― _You said you weren’t mad!”_

Yunho never tells lies. He promised.

“I’m not mad about that.” Hongjoong immediately adds, sensing the anxiety in the oozing pheromones. “Are you even listening? I wouldn’t suspect you if you weren’t acting like I should be mad in the first place. I’m only trying to understand.”

“Alright then.” Hongjoong gestures to the door of his bedroom. “Let’s say you’re not acting strange. Let’s even not mention how you escape to your room every single time you can… then how about flaunting your scent like you're handing out perfume samples? And now― _now_ you’re giving _me_ attitude? That’s not you acting strange ?”

San scoffs at the accusation. “Flaunting? Oh I’m _flaunting_ my scent?”

Hongjoong pauses, hesitation apparent on his face.

“Enough for the manager to consider scent blockers.”

San stares at the space between the two group picture frames on the wall, fighting off a small wave of nausea. The further down the implications are sinking in, the sicker San feels.

Scent blockers mean muting his scent. It feels like he’s being cut apart from the pack. The possibility of them not scenting him; not scenting all of him. Yunho not scenting him anymore.

“Anything to say? Or will you give me the silent treatment again?”

Jongho rasps, no longer capable of holding in his reactions. “Hyung!”

Simultaneously, Seonghwa calls the alpha, tone disapproving. “Joong.”

Yunho’s eyes are burning on him.

He doesn’t have the strength to look back.

Hongjoong doesn’t make the effort to glance at his fellow alpha, attention fixed on San only, visibly less patient. “That’s what I thought.”

The alpha sighs, voice softer than before―like he tired himself out.

“I’m saying this for your own good. I don’t want to see one of my omegas on scent blockers for longer than necessary – those shit can be nasty, and you’ve never needed them outside of heat. We don’t know how that can affect you.”

He knows. _Oh,_ he knows.

As Hongjoong stated, San seems to be slipping out of control. So badly he almost says it; a few words so harsh as to inflict long-term damage. _I’m not your omega._

The embarrassment forming in the pit of his stomach is enough to form tears in the corners of his eyes. San shouldn’t stay here.

“I’ll be careful.” He says softly. He half means it. 

He flails his arms in an act of defeat. San hopes for nothing else than to retract to his room. So he does.

“Sannie–”

San doesn’t want to listen anymore. The omega turns his feet and flees. Exactly how Hongjoong predicted he’d react.

The omega barely reaches Yunho’s bed before the sound of his door opening stops him midway. He expects to see the alpha’s large figure, arms open to cuddle.

Wooyoung stands shyly at the door and the omega’s chest constricts at the sight. The beta seems so heart-broken, a smile hardly large enough to show his dimples. San wonders if Hongjoong refrained Yunho from following him.

The thought makes his hand curl into a fist.

Without an invitation, he closes the door as softly as he came in. Wooyoung tip-toes around him, circling San’s on the bed, to take a seat on the only chair of the room, which is usually covered under a pile of dirty clothes.

San sighs. It's Wooyoung's fatal flaw : his unwillingness to be deterred.

He’s too tired to fight.

“What’s going on?” The beta asks. “Really, this time.”

Lying to Wooyoung straight to his face doesn’t sound right. 

“Woo…” San inhales, heart shattered and shoulders trembling in fear. “I’m in love with Yunho.”

He’s anticipating the screams, the gasp of horrors and a shower of accusations. He’s waiting for so long he dares to raise his head up. There’s no yelling, no tears.

Wooyoung stays quiet, confusion contorting his features. He seems to be waiting for more. San isn’t sure he heard.

“I’m in love with Yunho,” he says once more.

“So?”

San lets out a small, shaky breath. “You’re not angry?”

The beta looks stricken at the question. It’s the omega’s turn to appear confused.

“Why should I― be wait―What are you… _San_ , what’s the problem here?”

“Can’t you see? I’m… I’m not―It’s wrong.”

“You’ve got to tell me more, because I’m completely lost.”

San roars, voice nearly hysterical. “I can’t be in love with Yunho!”

Wooyoung shakes his head. “Why can’t you? Where does that even come from?”

“Are you doing this on purpose so I say it myself?”

“You are allowed to love your members, San, that’s the whole point of a pac―”

San scrubs a hand over his face, chasing the forming tears. “Loving Yunho means something different than loving you; I _love_ him.” He laughs humorlessly.

The beta pauses, taking the information into consideration. “Okay.”

“It’s not fuckin’ okay.”

“It is.”

San wonders if Wooyoung can hear the sound of his wobbling lips through the bond.

“If I were a good omega, I wouldn’t be in this situation.”

Wooyoung’s breath hitches. “Oh Sannie, what’s going on in that head of yours?” 

He says _Sannie_ differently from the rest of his sentence. As if he had meant something else, a word which sounded a lot like _pity_ ; like that’s what he originally meant.

That’s all his name inspires lately–He knows it. He’s seen it. It’s in the stretched thin lips of his members when they believe him to be unaware. It’s in the distance they maintain when their thighs almost touch one another. It’s in the elusive gazes. 

_Sannie_ sounds a lot like _Pity_ when a member that isn’t Yunho pronounces it.

San agrees. He is pitiful. 

That doesn’t make hearing it in the voice of his pack member hurt any less.

“Nothing.” The omega says, voice rough and groggy.

“So there’s nothing you want out of this?”

San is filled with frustration that his life is so clearly demarcated. Things that San was granted with weren’t things meant for more. 

_Something he wants?_ There’s a lot to say, there. Mainly, a lot that should never be said in the presence of his fellow bandmates.

San has forgotten how many times he’s been praised for his efforts–how many times he’s been told he was destined for greatness, because once he sets his mind on something, it becomes possible. San begins to wonder if all his exploits are not simply the result of chance. For if it was only a matter of effort, Yunho would have fallen in love with him. 

San doubts there is anything in him that screams greatness.

It’s all a ploy, the stage persona is a false reassurance. The San on stage is stronger than the San off stage. Because the San on stage would never dwell on the could have been, on _the “perhaps I could have performed a bit better.”_ No, that San would know he always gives his all.

San offstage is not that person.

He came to the agency as an incomplete talent; a voice with potential but barely able to match his steps to the rhythm of music, and this is undoubtedly how he would leave it. Incomplete in every aspect, from start to finish. No matter how much sweat he might have shed, it would never be enough. San will always ask for more–just as he wants to be capable of more, forever unsatisfied. The members may give him all their love, love in all its forms, but San is forever hungry.

San is nothing more but a greedy, incomplete omega.

It is no surprise Yunho doesn’t see him worthy as a mate. San doesn’t see it either.

“I just want…”

To that, San himself is unable to complete his phrase. For he doesn’t know what he wants. A real, exclusive relationship? For the bond to settle or to fade? To fall out of love or for Yunho to fall in love with him? To be able to mate? For everyone to leave or for everyone to stay? 

All and none at once. 

There’s an unsettling feeling of need growing inside him, seeking for something more, something bigger than words and beyond his vision. 

“I just _want.”_ He simply says. That’s all there is to say.

It all adds up to a fearful equation. 

There’s a heavy silence. Wooyoung’s breathing is so loud and clear; like it’s amplified tenfold. 

“Yearning is a very human thing to do.” His words almost bring San comfort. Almost.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore.” It’s better to avoid the concerns in his friend’s gaze. 

San turns his focus to the window on his right. Outside, the tangerine-pigment of the sky bleached out to a deep, threatening blue. 

“Your eyes tell me we should really, really be talking about it.”

As for the inside… Well, there’s isn’t much of a difference.

“Well, I'd rather we don't.” He says bleakly.

A sigh. “San.”

“Like I said, I don't want to talk about it.”

“I do.” 

It may be the lack of luminosity in the room but it seems Wooyoung’s eyes are becoming glassier by the second.

“Well, I don't.”

“But–”

“Enough, Wooyoung!” San snaps. “I'm not proud of what I've done.”

“What you’ve done?” He repeats, baffled. “Do you even _know_ what you've done?”

He does. He fell in love. He fell out of love first, didn’t follow the path he was bound to walk with his pack, and strayed off the road, and then he fell in love. He’s still falling, and it’s a never-ending descent. 

“I’m in love, Wooyoung.” 

There’s a silence during which Wooyoung’s watching him in incomprehension. Like he doesn’t see the problem. Like San didn’t just confess to a crime.

“I'll be proud for you,” The beta says, overly cheery. “My Sannie is a big boy, falling in love and–”

“Shut up.” He regrets it the second he says it but it’s too late to stop the train now. “Can you please, for _once_ in your _goddamn_ life, shut up? Can you take _anything_ seriously?”

Wooyoung’s half-smile drops and his fingers twitch, a sign of nervousness poorly hidden. “You don’t mean that.”

San knows he shouldn’t be–but San _is_ unremorseful. He’s all teeth and poison, deliberately offensive and revengeful. He wants revenge and has no one to blame. He can’t control the boiling rage in his guts, the burning sensation that pushes him to spit such venom.

“I’m sick of you acting like you know what I mean.”

Wooyoung does not say anything back, wide eyes fixed on him.

San wants him to look away–San wants him to stand up and leave. That’s what he deserves.

Wooyoung does.

The beta is known to excel at arguing; with cunning words as his best assets. Where Wooyoung was sly and smart with words, inflicting little dagger cuts to weaken his opponent, San prefers to cut once and deep.

“Alright Sannie. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk.”

Righteous, selfless Wooyoung, who refuses to bite back when he could chew more.

The beta exits the room, shoulders bunched up.

Misery is more bearable under the sun, and kind-hearted, indulgent Wooyoung, carries the energy of a ray of light. It flows out of him in thick waves, with the ability to wash away all traces of fatigue.

San doesn’t deserve forgiveness and he certainly does not deserve indulgence. It’s his punishment. 

As he leaves, Wooyoung sweeps all the light out of the room with him. San is faced with the darkest shade of blue he’s ever seen; it reminds him of the abyssal plains, an icy kingdom where light is a rarity. He has always had a cryptic, inexplicable fear of the deep sea.

It’s his penance.

He deserves to feel the weight of misery crush him whole.

  
  
  
  


The following days are repetitive. The comeback is a success and they attend promotion events one after the other. San has lost count of their TV apparition by now. 

It's always a bit tense during comeback season; the desire to do well so high and unbearable. It is tense, the conversations are brief and less animated. There's fatigue, anticipation, and the draining feeling of waiting for a bomb to drop. Only this time the explosive device is in San’s hands.

Hongjoong has apologized, as he always does. San did, too. Half-heartedly. 

In an attempt to avoid this sword of Damocles hanging over his head, San keeps a healthy distance from Yunho. He minimises his interactions, and does not engage in any more hugging than is required.

When the absence of the Alpha's soothing scent becomes too much, San slips Kuma under Yunho's sheets when the latter is out filming. The plushie is soaked with his smell for almost two whole days. If Yunho has noticed this drastic change, he does not bring it up. 

San suspects that Hongjoong had _the talk_ with Yunho to prevent any situations.

Things with Wooyoung are… civil, for a lack of better words. They smile once the cameras are on, they behave around staff members, and if San's feeling brave enough, he may crack a joke here and there. If the beta's in an amiable mood, he may play along and throw one back. 

When the prying ears are gone, they play the card of ignorance. 

And between the two of them, Wooyoung hates losing the most.

The members do not intervene, at first–there is an unwritten rule which stipulates pack members should be able to resolve disagreements on their own, as long as the dispute does not impinge on either their work life or relationships with the rest of the pack. An intervention is to be considered solely if it is dragging the group or if lines are to be crossed.

Yeosang’s the only who dares to ask about it–bless his soul.

“What’s up with Woosan?” He asks one day, on their way to a new show.

San had been hesitant to answer, aware of the members tuning in on the conversation. Wooyoung beat him to it, though, leaving no more room for discussion.

“There’s no Woosan.”

It’s the last time the issue was brought up. Yeosang stared at his best friend, a silent promise to talk about it behind the closed doors of their rooms.

San pretends not to see it.

Loneliness isn’t a foreign feeling, but San’s better at handling the loneliness he picks.

He sees Wooyoung laughs with the other members, and stops when San’s here and San, _San wants to pick Wooyoung_. He wants his friend back.

“I’ve been a terrible friend,” San confesses one night, face hidden in Seonghwa’s shoulder blades. The hand holding the knife stops mid-air at the confession. The alpha sets the utensil on the counter, glancing above his shoulder.

“What did you say?”

They’re alone in the kitchen, the rest of the pack in their respective rooms. Wooyoung’s announced he wouldn’t be the one to cook tonight’s dinner, claiming he can’t be bothered.

San thinks it’s _him_ he can’t be bothered with.

“I’ve been a terrible friend,” Say repeats himself, a bit louder. _And a worse omega_ , goes unsaid.

Seonghwa seems to hesitate–sensing there’s more to it. “Why do you think so?”

“I-I, I’ve.. You know.”

“Sounds like you don’t,” the alpha interjects.

“Wooyoung’s mad at me.”

“He’s been mad at you before. How is this time any different?”

He’s gone too far, he’s said too much. The screams, the swears, the popping veins. Wooyoung’s bloodshot eyes. _Wooyoung._

“It is. I’ve been really mean to him.”

San holds a breath, the memory of Wooyoung’s distraught expression running through his head.

“Then apologize.”

“Just like that?”

Seonghwa shrugs. “Yeah, just like that.”

San wishes it was that trivial. He doesn't know how to approach the situation―he doesn't know how to approach Wooyoung anymore. San doesn't know where he’s allowed to stand, the cracking of their shared ground nearly beyond repair. An embrace, a lingering kiss, a forlorn touch. Before, that used to be enough. 

It feels like crossing the lines this time. And again, the lines. The lines they drew together have grown blurred and faded. There isn't a single line in San's life that is clearly defined anymore.

San comes to the conclusion it’s never been a matter of time–to be braver, to find more excuses– but a matter of trust. Trust to do the right thing. Trust in Wooyoung to forgive him. 

Trust in himself.

“There are neither bad nor good friends,” Seonghwa says, resuming his movements. “We’re all trying our best. We’re bound to commit mistakes.” He cracks a couple in a bowl, extending his arm to grab the whisk.

“What matters is if your intentions are to fix them, or leave them.”

San wonders how Seonghwa manages to make it sound as easy as cooking.

“San, sometimes to be good… You need to understand what it means to be bad.”

  
  
  
  


Wooyoung is watching his favourite show the next time he sees him. Something about babies, or babysitting. San hasn’t really shown that much interest in the plot.

Point is, Wooyoung is in the living room, alone, and San has been standing in front of the couch for far too long not to be creepy. Kuma’s in his arms since this morning, Yunho’s out on the set of his dramas.

His role as a second lead is a blessing to the all “distancing” plan.

It’s tense, needless to say. Wooyoung barely acknowledges his presence.

Seonghwa’s words resonate in his mind, _“Then apologize.”_

“Just like that.” San mumbles.

The omega takes a seat on the couch – they’re now sitting on opposite sides.

Wooyoung’s citrus scent is strong and sour. San flinches.

It’s all too much.

San wants his friend back.

“Just like that.” He says, louder.

Wooyoung perks up at that, head turning to the omega’s side. He looks puzzled.

“I, huh,” San feels like he’s about to hyperventilate. “I’m sorry.”

Wooyoung stares, pensive. He stares at San’s fidgeting fingers as if they’re holding the answers he’s looking for.

“Do you know what you’re sorry for?”

There’s no animosity in his voice, but there isn’t any tenderness either. It’s calm, cooperative. Practical.

_Why are the lines so blurry,_ San cannot help but think.

“I shouldn’t have said those things.” He admits. “Woo…”

His chest hurts and he wants to cry, so so bad.

“I never meant it. All those things about you. You’re…”

Wooyoung offers him a tentative smile. “I know. Took you long enough.”

“I’m so so sorry,” and shit, now he’s crying.

San bites his lips and wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. Well. Yunho’s hoodie.

Wooyoung opens his mouth to say more, taken aback.

“San, I never believed you to be able to mean such words.”

San chokes on a new wave of tears.

“You should.”

The beta shakes his head. “That’s not you.”

_Maybe it was,_ he wants to scream, _maybe it is._

San doesn’t feel like himself anymore – doesn’t even recognize himself. How could others know him, if he failed to remember all the elements that used to compose him?

“I didn’t mean to fall in love.”

The flash of sadness that resides in his eyes is impossible to ignore. He’s terrified of being the cause.

“That’s okay.”

“I’m sorry I’m not in love with you.”

He meant to say more. He truly did. 

_I’m sorry for wanting more. I’m sorry more doesn’t mean all of you._

There’s a fear of rejection, of fatality with those unsaid words. As if saying it will make it irreversible. 

Wooyoung inhales. A beat passes. “You are. Just like I love you. It doesn’t matter if it means something else when you say it. I know you do.”

The beta glances at the doll on San’s lap, then at the omega’s trembling lips. 

He inhales once more.

“I know you do.” He says again, with more conviction than before. “You’ve done nothing wrong. Love is never wrong.” 

Wooyoung speaks about love like Seonghwa speaks about forgiveness―like love is this easy, like wanting it is enough to have it.

San cries, fat tears rolling down his cheeks and he’s trying so hard to stop them, but he can’t. He’s not strong enough. Not when Wooyoung’s staring at him with so much care. 

How do you stand up to someone staring down at you with such fondness? How do you let someone care about you so much without being scared to death of the power it gives you to unintentionally break them?

“I do.” Because it’s true. He does. San simply cannot say when this love has shifted to something else.

He’d give Wooyoung everything. In a heartbeat, if San’s heart wasn’t already beating for someone else.

“We’ll find a way. A solution. We’ll find something, you and me.”

It’s like the weight on his shoulders is lifted, all the sudden. It feels good to breathe without being in pain.

The beta opens his arms and San doesn’t waste a second to jump. Kuma is squished between their two bodies, but Wooyoung doesn’t try to get rid of it.

“Woo, woo, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me.” San begs. 

The omega peppers his face with countless kisses – his forehead, his nose, his chin.

“Shhhh, stop crying. You’re all forgiven.” He huffs softly. “You big baby.” He reluctantly pulls away to wipe his now humid cheeks.

They hug for a long time, enough for the episode on the television to reach on an end. Wooyoung doesn’t make a move to play the next one, doing circular movements with his hands along his spine.

San hums in appreciation.

“I could help.” He suddenly says. “With your situation.”

San blinks. “A blowjob is not going to fix my problem, Woo.” 

The grin plastered on the beta’s face is bright and teasing. It’s when San knows he’s truly forgiven. That kind of smiles, it’s only for them.

“Well, it won’t make it worse.” Wooyoung counters. 

“Woo!”

“That wasn’t even what I was going for, anyway.”

San rolls his eyes. “So what were you going for?”

“I’ll be your cuddle buddy, since you can’t have yours at the moment.”

_Yours._

San flushes at the implication. He loves the sound of that. To belong to someone and have someone belong to him in the most intimate way.

“Are you sure you’re up to the part? It’s a tough job.”

Wooyoung taps his back. “I’ll cuddle the shit of you, you’ll see a whole new world.”

San laughs, head thrown back and genuine. “Sure.”

Hongjoong bursts inside the living room; laptop in one hand, a Starbucks cup in the other. He only notices the duo once he’s close enough to the couch to see them embrace.

The alpha squints his eyes at the scene. He’s alerted for a short second, eyes immediately fixed on the traces of tears on the youngest omega’s puffy cheeks. He releases a breath once he sees the bigger picture.

It must be ridiculous; to see two of his members avoiding each other for days, only to find them cuddling a random morning.

“Everything good here?”

Wooyoung and San exchange a knowing smile.

“Yeah, everything’s good.”

Hongjoong nods, understanding.

San deepens the hug and the beta’s arm instinctively tightens around him. He really missed this.

Wooyoung’s carries the energy of the sun, and once he shines his light on him, it’s easier to see a glimpse of hope.

  
  
  


That same evening, Yunho’s already there when San returns to his room. The omega’s happier than he has ever been in the past four weeks, the afternoon he spent cuddling with Wooyoung acting like a dose of energy enough to last a decade.

As soon as San closes the door, he knows something’s off.

Yunho’s on his mattress, fully dressed in clothes San knows come from the set of Imitation, as it is not in his roommate’s habit to dress that fancily.

He knows something’s off, because Yunho’s holding his stuffed doll Kuma on his lap.

Yunho doesn’t use plushies. 

“Uh, what’s up?” He asks. He hopes he sounds casual enough.

“Let’s cuddle San.”

San frowns at the request. “What?”

“Let’s cuddle.”

“I heard you the first time.” Hesitation overtakes his body and San just stares, uncertain. “Just… Why?”

It’s Yunho’s turn to frown. “Why not? It’s been a while…”

San bites his lip. It’s impossible to refuse the alpha anything. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Yunho speaks so softly, it breaks his heart. “I miss you, San.”

San aches to say it back. That and more.

He understands. He thinks of Wooyoung, of Yunho’s open arms and he understands.

San isn’t strong enough to refuse Yunho. He’s mortal and Yunho’s round eyes shine with the beauty of a God. San doesn’t stand a chance.

“Please?” Yunho asks, arms timidly open to make room for San. 

“Hongjoong doesn’t have to know, it’s fine. We’re not in public anyway.”

That sounds right, logical even. There shouldn’t be any problem, as long as San can keep his pheromones quiet? As long as they’re within the shielding walls of the dorm?

San’s resolution is the weakest when Yunho gives him the puppy eyes. He complies easily.

He says in a shy breath, “yeah, I’d like that.”

The omega crawls on the bed; the alpha legs already open to accommodate him. Kuma’s discarded on the side of the bed, long forgotten.

San’s quick to settle in his position, back against Yunho’s chest.

The alpha’s thighs cages him and San’s a willing abductee.

The hug is tight, and everything feels right again.

They don't feel the need to crawl under the sheets, their joined body heat is enough to keep them warm. San claims loudly, there's a magical element to Yunho's cuddles. There's nothing that matters anymore, right between those firm biceps. Just him and Yunho.

Just him and the man he loves.

If he closes his eyes, he can let himself believe that Yunho loves him too.

They stay in this position for a long time. 

They kiss. They kiss a lot. Chaste, bashful kisses, turning into more and more feverish ones. San should stop here. He should say that it's not a good idea to go any further; not until he gets full his control over his pheromones.

Words are hard, and kisses are easy. 

So San kisses Yunho harder, his hands clutching the alpha's top. 

Yunho sucks on his tongue, one hand brushing against the tent in his sweatpants. San blushes profusely.

"Please, San," He whispers in his ear. 

San is a weak little human, whose resolve falls apart with a word from one man.

“Yes, Yunho, yes,” he pants.

“You’re fuckin’ so beautiful,” Yunho swears. “Love when you let me touch you like that.”

San’s breath falters and his mouth opens, wet and pink.

“Yunho,” he whines. “Kiss me.”

Yunho stares at his dishevelled face, the sweaty pink locks and it’s taking forever San almost believes he’s going to tease him for a bit longer.

Then, Yunho bends down to bite his bottom lip, a grin in the corner of his mouth. San arches his back, growing desperate and Yunho’s merciless, tongue twirling around the traces his teeth left.

“Yunho!”

Yunho chuckles before finally – _finally_ kissing him. San’s on fire; his vision fuzzy and touch-starved.

Large, veiny hands – _oh god his hands_ – find the aching spot between his trembling thighs. They slip under his underwear gently, too gently for the omega’s sake.

Yunho’s thumb barely applies any pressure, stroking lightly his cock and San’s all choked gasps and spasms in his legs. He’s shaking so much the alpha has to hold his hips down his one hand.

“Sensitive,” Yunho mumbles. “That’s cute.”

San moans, eyes on how small his cock looks in Yunho’s palm; the head red and already leaking with pre-cum.

“Alpha,” he gasps.

Yunho roars. He kisses him again, this time with more ferocity and intensity than San has ever felt before.

His movements soon take a quicker pace and San’s vision sways, a shiver seizing his entire body. Yunho’s hold on him is tight and solid, it’s making him go crazy. The fantasies come running to cloud his judgement; San’s not thinking anymore, he could only rock his hips, chasing the friction against Yunho’s hand. Yunho kisses the crown of his head tenderly, whispering praises in ears.

“So good for me,” he punctuates each word with a squeeze.

Then, his fingers claw at his head, and San _screams._

“Yun, yun,” the omega squirms. His toes curl. “Yunho!”

“That’s right. Take what you need.” 

Yunho endlessly switches between fast and delicate strokes and San feels the tears building up. He chases his orgasm in little screams, hips thrusting up. Yunho lets him.

Exhausted, San lets his head swing to the side. He snuggles closer in the crook of the alpha’s neck, closer, until he finds _it_.

His scent gland. 

He inhales the deep chocolate scent and San deliberately moans, loud and _lewd_. San’s hungry and starving. He’s been starving for far too long.

“Please, more, alpha, more,” He mewls, the omega shamelessly eager.

Drool pours out of his mouth; it’s a mess, a disgusting mess San tries to hide by snuggling further against the alpha’s gland. But Yunho’s gentle fingers run over the spit, wiping his face clean.

San’s enamoured.

“I’m gonna cum,” he cries.

“What are you waiting for?”

His stomach clenches one last time and San cums, hard and the room turns white. San’s blinded for a second. He gets a hold on the only sense that comes to his mind; smell. 

Yunho’s scent.

_Oh god_ , San loves him. San is utterly, deeply in love with Yunho. Those lingering touches left a burning sensation on his bare skin and the omega wants nothing more but to tell him that–but something is restraining him. Something is always restraining him and it pains him to think that this something is someone, and that someone is Yunho himself.

San cums in a silent scream, trembling and crying in Yunho’s embrace. The scent is strong, so strong, and San’s eye-level with Yunho’s neck, the most precious, intimate parcel of skin there is. It’s right there, and he trusts San enough to bare his throat. 

_What are you waiting for?_

San’s a starved man.

He no longer feels in control of his body when he sinks his teeth into the tender spot.

The reaction is immediate.

Yunho tenses – he violently jerks his body away as soon as the sharp tip of teeth brushes his skin.

San falls out the bed, hungrier than before.

Time stops. A beat, two, and third. Then.

“What the _actual_ fuck?”

It starts again and it sends his ground spinning.

The snarl brings him out his daze. The meaning of his words – of what just happened – doesn’t hit him instantly. It requires the alpha’s anxiety to slap his face to do the trick, and when it does, the fear tackles him full force.

“Oh no,” his throat clamps up, mouth agape. “ _Oh no no no no no.”_

Yunho doesn’t say anything. Staring, eyes-wide and in shock.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to do that – ” it’s a lie, he did, but Yunho’s sweet, so sweet, he _has_ to believe him. He has to.

Yunho still doesn’t say anything.

San silently begs him to say something.

A quick, almost too quick to catch, glimmering flashed through his longing stare. Half-tinged with lust, half-tinged with something San feared to be disgust. The juxtaposition left his head spinning.

Guilt. It’s guilt.

San feels nauseous, wants to throw up, disgusted with himself.

Instead, he stays still, limbs shaking in horror of what he almost did; what he could’ve done.

The taste of Yunho’s skin lingers on his tongue, on his teeth.

San wants the taste out of his mouth.

Yunho’s breathing heavily, a hand on his neck. There’s a red mark where the tip of San’s teeth scraped the skin, and it’s barely inches away from the gland. Inches away from a mating bite.

San barely has one hand on the mattress of the bed before the door bursts open and goes flying, bouncing brutally against the wall. Yunho backs against the wall, hurrying out of the bed to hide all allusions of what might have happened.

“ _Who_ the fuck screamed? What's going on in here?” Hongjoong's voice is ferocious.

Seonghwa’s holding onto his forearm desperately, telling him not to scare the younger ones.

Yunho hastily drops his hand from his neck to conceal any evidence, but it's too late. Hongjoong's hawk eyes catch everything and once his brain connects the dots – messy bed sheets, red mark on the neck, San's position on the floor – he sees red.

It’s an ironic contrast; Hongjoong’s burning and San’s freezing.

The smell of spray paint is suffocating, shifting into a dizzy mixture of toxic chemicals.

The alpha’s hard stare falls upon San. He’s never been on the receiving end of such heated eyes – especially not from Hongjoong.

“San,” He calls.

The omega looks away, ashamed.

Yunho whines. “Hyung don’t do – ”

The bond tugs at his chest, and Yunho gasps. “Hyung!”

Hongjoong’s fingers twitch at the appellation.

“Both of you.” He orders. “Living room, now.”

He turns his heels without a glance over his shoulder – trusting his members to obey and follow him. San stands on shaky legs. Seonghwa helps him and guides him to where Hongjoong is silently waiting.

Silently but not patiently. His fingers tapping his legs.

Yunho takes the furthest seat from the omega; it hurts more than it should.

Seonghwa’s comforting presence next to him cannot chase away the fear within him, the overwhelming anxiety crushing his lungs.

He wishes Wooyoung was there to tell him he hasn’t done anything wrong again.

San doubts Hongjoong would believe him.

“What the hell was that?”

“Nothing.”

Hongjoong’s silence is never quiet. The volume is always on the loudest setting and San would rather see him scream.

“Don’t make me use my alpha voice.”

The threat is deadly and heavy with meaning. San has never heard Hongjoong’s alpha voice, has never done anything to deserve it. That’s never happened before.

He fucked up. He fucked up so bad.

San’s a fuck up.

Yunho bows his head in defeat, no longer able to remain quiet at the threat. 

“We got caught up in the moment.”

Hongjoong snarls. “ _We_ as in _San_?”

San shrinks under the piercing red eyes of his leader – of his lead _alpha._

“Do you think I’m dumb, San?” He asks. “I told you to be careful, until you’re more in control of yourself and you fuckin’ go against my word―”

“It’s not his fault, I was the one to initiate―”

“Shut the fuck up, Yunho, I’m not talking to _you.”_

“Hongjoong!”

“Seonghwa, stay out of this.”

“San, answer me.” He growls. “Do you think I’m fuckin’ dumb? Dumb enough to let my members tell me lies straight up to my face?”

“No, no, I’m sorry,” The omega whimpers. “I didn’t mean to –”

Seonghwa embraces him tightly, patting his head. “Calm down San, you need to breathe.”

Hongjoong looks apologetic.

He doesn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes anymore.

“Are you sure?” A pause. “Because you must tell me, if you want to mate. We can discuss this.”

It’s a trick question. It’s got to be.

San doesn’t even know if that’s possible. If there would be an impact in their career.

Another lie. He knows.

It can only be a trick question. Hongjoong’s tricking him to admit his feelings openly. 

There’s a chance he isn’t.

It's a crack thin enough to let a blink of hope slide in.

There is a short pause, time tangible and heavy. “How do you want to do this?”

San’s scared to glance at Yunho. San’s scared to see an expression that doesn’t match his. 

He cannot help but hope for Yunho to be watching him with the eyes of a man who first discovered the shining stars; and if he is, can he see the fractured lines over his face threatening to rip apart? Once they do, would he be there to pick them up, would he kiss him until the wounds heal?

San’s scared to see no hope at all.

“I’m sorry, Hyung.”

His teeth hurt; his whole body hurt. San doesn’t even know why he stupidly tries to hold onto hope.

He’s so, so stupid.

There's a lucid beat of reliving each moment Yunho has given him a bit a second more of his attention, where his hands had held his wrist bone to kiss, like a lover would do. Each time he’d call San beautiful like he means it; like San’s pretty enough to fall in love. The sudden bite of possibility–

“I don’t want to mate San.”

–rips his ribs without any chance of survival. The train tumbles, and the fall is fatal.

Yunho chases his gaze in desperation. San cannot bear to meet his eyes–afraid of what resides inside. The way he slurs the words, as if he finds the notion so outrageous it pains him to justify himself, is strangely similar to the sensation of drowning. 

The worst part is, San believes him.

“I promise you it won’t happen again.”

Yunho does not tell lies (for once, San wishes he did).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, San, I'm sorry boo.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me San. I'm sorry luv!


End file.
